Lead Me To The Path of Forgiveness

About 56 mins ago it was Thanksgiving. Instead of being thankful I found myself in a moment of anger and pain.
I thought about this person who keeps constantly hurting me and unconsciously breaking my heart again and again.
But I don't know why at the end of the day as angry as I am, God has given me the heart to love them anyhow. And sometimes its not easy like tonight. I found myself upset at something really simple and it bought back all the things this person has done to me in the past. I found myself scooping and scooping back to those memories...and all I wanted to do at the moment was to be angry and plan schemes against this person to let them know how much they have hurt me.
But I don't get it.
Because I know that I am not suppose to be angry. I am not suppose to feed those thoughts or those feelings.
And I have said and told this person before that I forgive them. I forgiven them for what they have done to me. Then why do I still feel this resentment? Why do I still feel this hurt for what they have done?
I tried to google scriptures on forgiveness. The problem was I already KNEW what I need to do and I've already forgiven them but have I fully forgiven them if I still feel this pain??

I bumped into this blog where the author was talking about forgiving and how it still hurts. Her story was similar to mine but what spoke out to me was how...forgiveness is not a feeling or an emotion...or a one time thing but something we have to keep doing over and over again. In the author's word, "You may need to forgive this person everyday for a long time." And this is where I have found myself at...I don't really know what forgiveness is and there are still so much I need to learn.
How to love, to forget and to let go.
I thought at first that I have not fully forgiven this person...when really I have to allow forgiveness to heal my wounds and pain and that it is a process not a one time thing like the author said. And I can't do it on my own...I have to rely on God's strength and His might to do it. I have to know that no matter how much this person may continue to hurt me that God is going to take care of it. My schemes and revenge cannot beat God's ways.
So in the meantime as I learn how to forgive...no matter what they throw at me I will respond in love...even when it hurts so much...I will respond in love...
the old me would hate me for this because it seem like my choice to love this person after all they did to me may make me seem weak and vulnerable but like C.S. Lewis says, "To love at all is to be vulnerable." And I know when I forgive...God has forgiven me (Matthew 18:35)

- Courage Man

To read more about I've Forgiven But It Still Hurts:
http://laurablogsagain.blogspot.com/2011/06/ive-forgiven-but-it-still-hurts.html

Reasoning is not good enough.

I was walking in the religion department at school the other day going to my New Testament professor's office hour. As I was walking there was another professor who had free books laying outside their office. And as geeky as I am...I couldnt resist! I picked up a book called The Heart Of Freedom by Chai Ling. There were several reasons why I picked it up.
1. It was a chinese woman (I know shallow)
2. Her chinese name is similar to mine (Chai Ling/Tsui Ling)
3. Chinese Activist
4. How she met God

I don't see a lot of testimony or stories out there about chinese christian. And for someone who was so broken by the Tiananmen Square protest and God was able to heal her brokenness? What is there not to like!?

But a quote stood out to me in that story:

“Kneeling in front of the big mirror on the wall, I closed my eyes, pressed my hands together, and prayed, “Dear God, please help me to be an extraordinary child. Thank you!” I had never been to church, or seen a Bible, or prayed before; I had only read the word God in a foreign novel.”

—

Chai Ling It was so deep because I was in that position before. And God has heard my every prayer even when I didnt really know Him. Theres no words to describe Him. So many times this world explains for reasons to prove that there is a God. But the reasons are everywhere ! Hes over here and over there. People may ask me how can you say God is real? What prove? I am the prove. Because the joy that I have now no human couldve given it to me. Because when I was in the world looking for a friend and a family member for comfort it did not bring me this much joy that I have now. I came into the church not knowing much about God. I knew of God from my old church but never a real relationship. But when I stepped into Fellowship Mission, can someone explain to me that feeling? If everything can be explained, explain to me feelings. Like Chai Ling I knew of God from afar from what we heard and what we read and that too is enough for us to believe. God doesnt have to prove Himself to people the evidence is all around.

- Courage Man