I had a really good weekend. It was filled with so much laughter and good people. But I found myself crying these past two nights. I hid in my closet weeping and weeping. I felt so angry to the point where I want to hurt someone. I want someone to feel my pain. Especially with this particular person. Lets call them S. I wanted to text S with all these hateful messages. I want them to hurt and get upset so badly. But I couldn't bring myself to do it. No matter how angry I was I knew that it was not the right thing to do. So I got angrier knowing I can't do what I wanted to do.
I wept out of anger...I wept because the relationships that were closest to me all seem to be breaking around me. I wept because deep down in my heart I knew that I had some faults to it too.
I prayed and I ask God to help me to not be angry and I ask for Him to help me to make peace. I asked God for the people in my life who I have hurt for their forgiveness. That was the first night.
Tonight. I cried feeling really childish. I felt foolish for crying but I still kept crying. I cried feeling miserable for myself. I cried till I felt my heart aching... the more I felt it ache the more I cried. I cried also knowing that I messed up again tonight. I had the opportunity to make it right today and I didn't take it. I cried because I was still angry at S and at someone else too.
Then I started thinking about how much I hate them. How i don't want them in my life. I want to give up and cut them out of my life to save me from pain. But I knew at the same time that is weak mentality. Only people who is not willing to endure...only people who does not have character would give up so easily. Would give up on something so simple but yet so big.
Do you know what the worst feeling is? Being rejected....im crying while typing these two words.
It is the absolute worst feeling in the world. Many people are affected by rejection. Rejected by people, the world, and especially their family. It is why so many people are depressed because they feel worthless. It is the reason why so many girls feel like they are not pretty enough because of people's disapproval or approval.
I am one of them.
In my closet I thought about S. I thought about T. I thought about everyone in the past that hurt me. And I felt angry because I always been the one who tried to make peace but always rejected for it. God recently shown me how recently I been relucuant to make peace with the people in my life I know I need to. Because I am scare to be rejected again. I am angry inside because why am I always the one who takes inititaitve even when I'm not the wrongdoer? Why me!? Why am I the one who is trying to make things better!? Why can't they come to me?
I never knew how deep this wound was. I thought about S. And I didn't want to forgive him anymore...I didn't want to make peace with anyone....I been rejected times after time again....I am crying as I am typing this....because the wound is real...the pain is real....and I am acknowledging it right now....that I am angry...that I am hurt....that I have been rejected too many times.
But even in my anger....I know I am a peacemaker. As much as I hate it. I know I am. And God reminded me of this scripture:
Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Matthew 5:9
I was studying this scripture the other night and I started to have a better understanding what does it mean to be a peacemaker.
You see, the reason why I hate being a peacemaker because in the past when I tried to make peace, it always ended up with me trying to please the other person. So in my mind peacemaking means appeasing. I always felt like a doormat being walked over by the other person. I was mad about my past because it is always me chasing that peace in my relationship with the other person and not the other way around. I was mad because I always end up being the one who looks desperate and who looks inferior.
But God is teaching me to be a real peacemaker. I don't have to chase for that peace in those relationships...those people...I can MAKE peace. In making peace...I don't have to bow down to anyone but I can still stand my ground.
But most importantly God is teaching me that being a peacemaker is a BLESSING not a burden. I shall be call a child of God. God will call me His. So reader...even through my pain...even though some wounds and scars that still needs to be heal this moment from rejection.
I just want to say I will be ok. I will survive. With my God all things are possible. Yes I may have been rejected by many but I am accepted by my God. My God calls me His child...so I belong to Him. He d seems to always choose things that are foolish to the world. I know that God will show me how important I am to Him and how much He love me. And with His love I know that He will heal the wounds where rejection had left.
I know that He will restore and heal the relationships in my life. I have to do my part though too. I have to take initiative as a peacemaker so God then can blessed my effort.
For too long it has about ME ME ME. How dare they hurt ME? Why ME? They did this to ME? But never have I thought about how I have done the same.
I too have hurt the people who are closest to me. I have rejected some people in the past. I am no better.
But I am asking God to change all that. Less of me and more of Him.
Be encourage reader.
Courage Man
