Stable Home

     In my lesson today about Community, I had my students draw a community they are a part of and explain why that community was important to them. I had a non-compliant student who uninterestedly drew two lines to represent a street and a few rectangles/squares to represent buildings. In trying to encourage him to be more engaged/trying to build a relationship with this student I asked him to explain his drawing to me. He said it was a street that he lives on and I asked him what street was that and he said "I don't know I just moved there, I just know the area and how it looks like but I don't really know it yet." I asked him how many time has he moved, he pondered on that question for a few seconds and replied 5 times.

     Unfortunately this student did not have a good day in my class and I had to send him out. Even after he came back from buddy room he was still pretty bad. I made him stay after with me for a few minutes and I asked what was wrong? I told him how he has been a great student in my class and I just didn't understand why his behavior was so off today. He responded by explaining how there were some issues with his Uncle but he didn't want to talk about it. I asked him was there anything he need from me? He looked at me with innocent eyes and with a side smile said, "Sorry?" Just that small moment of genuineness melted all the frustration I felt all period long, a redeeming moment. We talked for a big longer and I letted him go.

     That's the paradox in working with students, specifically middle school students they are so obnoxious, rude and just pure annoying but at the same time they are so innocent and lovable all at the same time. E is a student most of the 6th grade team has been having trouble with, academically and behavior wise. Which was a reason why I was hesitant to send him to buddy room, as a first year teacher fellow I have a fear in making my students self-fulfilled prophesies.

     My interaction with E made me realize, there were many things that were going on in his life where I don't understand. I also knew he was not the only student in the 6th grade who has moved frequently, we have some students who are living in shelters and we have students who are going through some uncomfortable family arrangements. Which made me think about my own childhood, overall I would consider myself to have had a stable home. I moved once when I was 5 and I been living in the same house since. I have 2 parents who are happily (most of the time) married and loves me unconditionally. Of course my students have parents who cares for them unconditionally as well but I see how the frequent moving has a toll on them at a young age. I can never say I understand their experience, just because I am still new at this and trying to learn from them. But it was just a thought....maybe I'll continue this thought some other day.

Lord I may not understand right now but I'll wait on you.

A real man always comes back.

My Fears of Writing my REAL thoughts 2:47 am

I am scare to offend
I am scare that I am too ignorant
I am scare that my writing is not good enough
but most of all I am scare that my words will be more powerful than I could ever imagine, I am scare that I am going to take myself by surprise...
By all the words that I always wanted to say but never spoken.
I am scare to face my own rage and my own opinions.
I am scare the real Courage Man is more than I can handle.



Courage Man

家：TBI ＋ $$

Surely, He will deliver. My ever present help in trouble. Fear not.


Courage Man

Late Night Thoughts in Georgia

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken C.S. Lewis

I know You got me Lord.


Love,
Courage Man

Q&A

I am wrestling with this question tonight and I am using this blog a way to clear out my thoughts:

How can God's glory be seen in my life?



The other night on Friday at prayer, Daniel was talking about having visible faith. For instance, you know a great student, is someone who works hard. So should our faith be seen as well. And I am not sure am I overthinking about it right now, but I am thinking in my mind right now, God are you really glorify in my life? Do people on campus, people in my class, see my faith?
I believe real faith does not need to be vocal, people should be able to see it.
Or am I to wrapped up with my idea of how God should be glorify in my life? Am I too wrapped up in other people's testimonies I have heard that people approach them and they see it.

But at the same time I can't help to think about my best friend who is on a weight loss journey, truly people can see that because physically she is skinnier and she has lost 57 lbs. In result to her weightloss, people have been seeking her for advice on how to lose weight, people have been confessing to her that she inspired them to started their journey. In some ways, I see that's how visible faith should be.
Visible faith, people should be able to see it in your life, people should be able to get something from you. People should be able to eat from the fruit that you bear in your life. And I can't help to think this moment, have I been a blessing to others? Have I been doing it wrong? I guess what it all goes down to is, do I have the right faith?


Father, I come into your presence, asking you to have Your way in my life. Lord, I lean not on my own understanding but I pray that you will give me wisdom and understanding to this matter on how to truly and sincerely glorify you in my life. Father, if my flesh is getting in the way in glorifying you, help me to decrease, that You may be able to INCREASE in my life. Father, I pray to do things the right way, I pray that you teach me in doing so...that I may be able to have a visible faith that is real...get me to a point where I can be used...where others can eat the fruits in my life. I don't know how to do that yet...so teach me Lord. Teach me to be a witness and to live a life walking by faith. I trust you God. And I want to have a real authentic relationship with You...so do whatever You want to in my life. Do whatever You need God...to get me where You need me to be. I am willing and again right now give everything, my all to You God...trusting that You will make something beautiful out of me. Lord I am not worried...I know that You are in control. Although I don't have the answer to these questions right now...although I feel the need in my flesh to seek someone for this answer...I'll wait on You. I love you Lord.
In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.

Courage Man

Be still my heart and know
You are God alone
Stop thinking so much
and just let go

Be still my soul and rest
Humbly I confess,
in my weakness your strength is perfect

For You alone are God, there will be no other
And You have won my heart more than any other
So I will give it all 'cause you gave it all for me

First Interview!

First Interview today for a teaching position!

Thought I will post a little encouragement to myself before the interview:
Today I am taking ownership of my life and where I want to go. Life is what you make it.

God is good! Off I go!



Courage Man

Spontaneous Post

Lord at the age of 22, I am still not sure who you are creating me to be and where you are leading me to go. I am a young lady with no reputation, no significance, and of little importance. Today, I pray that I will let go of those thoughts of what you are going to make me into. I pray that You will have the freedom to be the potter in my life, I allow You God to lead and mold me. I pray that my life will bring You glory, not superficial artificial glory but I pray that my life will truly bring You glory. Lord when my mind is trying to figure out how to bring You glory, when I am trying too hard to please You...when I am trying too hard to look good from the outside...I pray that I have the right mind and spirit to lay myself down...abandon myself...my self-love...and let the Creator of the universe to have His PERFECT EXCELLENT way in my life. I am done with my ways. I pray to wait patiently for you...enjoy the journey and process and trust you that you are working in my life. Be glorify Lord. Consume me from the inside out. Do something inside of me which will bear fruit from the outside. I know it starts from inside...in me. Have mercy on who I am,  Father I repent for my ways. Have your way God. In Jesus Name. Amen.


Courage Man


Update:

"I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of me."
                               - Come Away, Jesus Culture

God has not forgotten me

It has been a while since I blogged, but I was reading something earlier online and it brought me back to this blog. 

As I was reading my old post, I am amazed at how much God has delivered me from and how truly He has shown me how much He loves me. He has delivered me from the pain and the rejection of my past. "I am free, Praise the Lord I'm free No longer bound, no more chains holding me...my soul is rested oh what a blessing...hallelujah, I'm Free."

And also I am amazed by the faith the old Courage Man had in God. It is weird but my past self is really encouraging me and what I am going through this season. It is funny how when I am really going through something, I am led back here to this blog. 

I been journaling a lot these last few years but I really do feel like writing in this blog tonight. 

So let me give you some updates:

Praise God I am finally a senior at Holy Cross. With being a senior it also means that I must find something to do after I graduate, which is something that has been bothering me since the semester started. At first, my plan was to apply to graduate school for my PhD in sociology. However, due to my poor planning, I have placed that goal on hold by deciding to wait a year to apply in order to submit a stronger application (and also take my GRE). So as for now, I am not really sure what I want to do after I graduate Holy Cross. Putting graduate school on hold was a relief, now the options are endless! There are so many things I could do...I thought about working and finally being in the real word...which would be a good change from academics. But at the same time I do not want to find a meaningless job, like working at a bookstore for a year with a bachelor degree. Not saying that those who choose to do that are losers, absolutely not but it is not what I want to do. I have been applying to different programs and searching for jobs. It is also the first time I realized...maybe I don't want to be a professor...if not becoming a professor then what do you want to do Courage Man? This question, like many seniors right now, is a scary question. The unknown is scary and not having a solid plans scares me. But I must put my trust in God. I  must look to Him and know that He is my career planner and designer. The designer of my life. I need to stop worrying about those around me who has more potential and those around me who seems to be better than me and keep my eyes on Him. 

Lately, I feel like the friends around me are just blossoming with opportunities! My best friend got offered a job opportunity at her high school, a sister from my church got offer a teaching position at her college and one of my high school friend already got a job in New York City! And I must admit, I looked at them and though, "Well see..they have always been amazing. There is a reason why God blessed them and not me." And I can't help to feel forgotten by God...and I can't help feeling like maybe God don't really have a plan for me. It feels like He is blessing around except me. Maybe because of the choices I have made and also my imperfection is why God has nothing for me...and I deserve what I have right now. I am nobody significant and who am I to dream big? - Do you see how I think.

But tonight, I must rid myself of those thoughts, I must not let the enemy defeat me because God has not forgotten me. I thank God for my best friend, when I shared these thoughts with her she said, "Mandy, if I have learned anything from my meeting it is this: God can surprise you with anything at anytime." And I believe that is true.  

Let us pray:

Dear God,

I am so thankful for the power of prayer. Help me to never stop praying and to never stop believing and trusting You. You are able. You said you will never leave me or forsake me. Even in the midst of the unknown I will trust only You. Even when I feel like You have nothing for me. Help my unbelief to believe. Give me more faith and help me to put all my trust in You no matter what it looks like and no matter how I feel. Lord, I allow you to do miracles in my life, unexpected miracles in my life. I pray that You will get all the glory. I promise Lord if You bless me God, I will give You all the glory. I pray through this season You will be glorified in my life. I pray that I will decrease right now and You will increase in my life. Thank you Jesus. Thank you. Give me a greater faith today. I pray that You will continue to guide me in my dreams, and when I am not sure what they are I pray that you will reveal them to me. Make it clear to me. Lord I know at times I get confuse and I overthink things but I pray for wisdom and discernment. I pray God that you will make it obvious to me. Use the people around me to lead me where You want me to go. I pray that you will open doors of opportunities and employment for me after Holy Cross, make a way out of no way Lord. And Lord, help me to understand no dream is too big for my God, nothing is too hard for You. When I look at myself and think who am I to achieve something great, remind me, "But God." Let nobody, nobody especially those who I think are superior to me...especially those who I think are smarter than me...better than me psych me out of the blessings that You have for me. Do not let their demeanor discourage me. But in their presence...I pray that your anointing will be with me, let your peace and faith be with me. I love you Lord. I know you are not done. I will wait on You. I will continue to worship You and serve You. You are worthy.  In Jesus Name I pray. Amen.

Courage Man