It's 12:42 am right now which makes it July 19, 2011 which means in about 12 days I will be leaving my beloved city Boston and into Worcester and starting the Passport Program at Holy Cross.
Am I ready? Don't think I can ever be mentally ready. For now I'm taking everything in, cherishing all the friends I see and cherishing every moment I have before then.
Sounds like the end of the world. HAH! Def. not..I just feel like after this, life will not be the same.
With everyone going to different places in the Fall, it will just never be the same. We can't just meet up at
Copley at 4 pm anymore. Or go out to eat at TGI Friday's on the weekends. Little do
we know everyone lives will slowly change. Though I'm aware of this...it still havent emotionally hit me and at the sametime I'am expecting the changes (notice how I never said ready.)
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There was something that was on my mind for a while...and the thought grew as I was driving home earlier.
If I could test my faith and trust in God...how far will I go?
I'm not doubting my relationship with Him at all...because I can never deny my God nor His love and existence in my life.
As I was reading about Darlene Deibler Rose story/memoir, Evidence Not Seen. A young missionary who became a prisoner during the World War II, abused, tortured, husband gone. She could have died in the prison cell never seeing light again but she never doubted the presence of God and continue to pray until something miraculous happen.
Or
The Book, If I Perish about the author Ahn E. Sook refusing to bow to the pagen of Japanese Shrines was sentence to a Japanese prison, left there to died. But instead because she was faithful to God. She won many people in the prison to Christ.
I know that these stories are rare and are true testimonies of God's power and faithfulness but at the sametime I must be REALISTIC and know that these extreme circumstance does not necessary apply to me and my walk with God.
But I can't help to think...what if it was me in their shoes?
How would I react? What would I do? Will I have given up, just befriend the walls in the prison cell and wait to
died?
....Who knows.
I do not want to say in confidence that I would have done the same thing as these two women has done.
But I dare not say that I would have easily given up and deny the power of God...or even turn away.
What I learn from this reflection and something I kind of always knew from the back of my head is that GREAT faith and trust takes a lot of suffering and a lot of pain. But God knows what we can endure.
At this moments I just want ask God to put more of those in my spirit.
But I can't only pray and ask God for more faith and trust..expecting it would automatically be given. He don't just GIVE it to me...but sometimes He will put things in my life that requires of me to have these two elements in order to make it through. It IS going to hurt sometimes, it WILL be hard to see a way out especially when you feel like a prisoner to whatever is tying you down.
But like these two women, Ahn Sook and Diebler Rose, they were able to defeat death when it seemed so close.
If everything was always sunshine and rainbows. How can we ever witness God's true power. why would we then need faith or trust?
It's in our most desperate times and when were at our dead ends, is where we become closer to God and know ONLY HE can fix it.
It's during those times esp. in our storms and struggles when our faith and trust is really activated.
"....for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10
I spend a great majority of time with a great friend today. I thank God for her..thank God for her strength. And I especially thank Him for healing and prospering my friendship with this particular someone. Having the mind to love, forgive, and untangling some misunderstandings.
Tonight I feel like I gotten an insight of their life...usually I would gaze and admire their walk and what they been through.
But it was different...tonight I was just a listener and I let all the stories seep into my mind letting it rest there.
I would usually be admiring Ahn Sook and Diebler Rose experience with the mighty God.
- But I don't. I have great respect for these two writers and my friend. It is not the route where God has put me on.
I don't know the feeling of losing a love one.
I don't know the feeling of having a miscarriage.
I don't know how it feels to be an alcoholic.
I don't know how it feels to be physically abuse.
I have none of these crisis. But that doesnt mean my walk with God is false. Just because I never had any of those problems doesnt mean there weren't anytime where I really needed God and had to truly lean on Him for guidance. I'm 18 right now...and I don't down the road what I'm going to experience or when I'm going to have to face those things.
But I'm 18 and I'm still building my relationship with Him. I'm not ashame of who I'am and who I'm becoming.
I'm not ashame of my mistakes...because I have repent and acknowledge that I need Him.
I'm not ashame of my experience.
Prayer: God you know the measurement of my faith and trust in you. God, you're a spirit and I pray that you continue to live in me use my body as a living temple. I pray God that you will draw closer to me. I want to be surrounded by your presence that no one will see anymore of me. God my thoughts are not your thoughts. I pray wherever you take me, whatever mountain you will put in my life that you send me great faith and trust in you, to get through it. I'm thankful for the people you have put in my life. I'm thankful that you have given me the mind to continue to seek your ways and your understanding. God I want to learn to love you even more. To be excited each morning when I wake up knowing that you never left. God help me grow to be an influential christian woman. I acknowledge that what I see how I feel has nothing to do with what your doing in my life. The evidence of you is unseen but it's real and in due time you will reveal yourself. I pray and I YEARN to be closer to you God so much. Have your way on my life only you can.
In Jesus Name.
- Courage Man
