I have found myself trying to aid all my heart aches and all my struggles with something...but they were all just temporary. None of them can fully heal what is in the inside.
I have found myself saying so many times, "I'm done."
I'm done with people, I'm done with my struggles, I'm just DONE. DONE! DONE! DONE!
No more..no way.
Even right this moment...I just want to smack my hand down on a table and say it's official...I dont want to deal with anything or anyone anymore. The anger boil in me wants to burst out and let everything gush out of me.
But each time...each time when I do want to let go. I always find God's grace keeping me. Theres always just a small..peak...a size of a mustard seed of God presence with me. Everytime when I want to walk away and say it's over God...I don't want this anymore...I don't want to walk this narrow path anymore...somehow it was always Him that kept me.
Theres always something stopping me and always He that is casting His care and love towards me. It might be the smallest thing...but it still something.
Like Psalm 139 says Whiter shall I go from thy spirit or whiter shall I flee from they presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there if I make my bed in hell behold, tho art there.
No matter where I go God still there and I can never...even if I wanted to...ever deny His existence in my life.
All I can do is breathe in...breathe out...Pray and Hold on.
P.S.
I thank Him for the car He has bless me with. Even in my lowest time He still blesses Me esp. when I really don't deserve it. At first I thought there was no way it's God's doing. But when my dad told me the full story of purchasing the car. With the credit and everything being cover...I knew then.
Everytime when I'm in a financial crisis... not sure how I'm going to have enough money for offering or everything in between. He always come on time and bless with something to give...or bless me with a fat paycheck.
It's so easy for God to bless with the materials and financial things. But it's so much harder for Him to get through to us when we harden our head and heart.
Courage Man, please Hold on. And to anybody out there who's reading this blog...and feels like they have walked into a dead end...please Hold On too. God is faithful.
- Mandy Lam
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