Breaking Habits

Today has been a productive day. Despite of running on only 2 hours of sleep I manage to stay up throughout the whole day up till debate practice.

Lessons learned, never sleep for 4 hours before your bedtime. I tried falling asleep at 2am but my mind was wide awake till 4 am and had to wake up at 6 am for school. It was torture.

I was reading yesterday that anything more than half an hour- an hour is not call a nap but your just sleeping, its actually not as effective as nap because your in a deep stage of sleep rather a nap helps you refresh your mind. Turns out all you really need is a 20 min. nap.

So as tired as I was today, I set my alarm clock for 30 mins (somehow no matter how tired I was it still took me a while to fall asleep.) And it actually really true! I felt so much better taking a 20 min. nap. It said that if you was to sleep more than an hour you might wake up even more tired.

So for now on if I ever come home for a nap I might stick to the 20 mins-30 mins rule.

I'm also trying to fix my sleeping habits. I never notice how much I'm damaging my body with 4 hours of sleep each day. (Well I was aware of it but never really cared for it.)

An average person needs at least 7-8 hours of sleep. APPARENTLY also if you sleep for more than 9 hours it can actually do more harms to your body than good.

Its amazing how much you can do when you google something. I really learned something new. I hope I can stick to my plan this week in trying to get 7-8 hours of sleep.

GO GO GO!

- Courage Man

P.S Apparently my debate partner/friend is color blinded. I did not believe him but I guess I was wrong. I just found it hilarious when he told me he can't see BLUE sometime but it is his favorite color! Hahahahas

Then later he told me how he love to eat his lip balm. LOL? I love him though he can be such a abusive lil boy!

The bookmark me and my dede picked out at Borders. Sadly could not find any books I liked. Knew we shouldve went earlier. Who doesnt like sales esp when its closing down!

Our next adventure is to find a World Map poster, just because we both did not know where Libya was. Shameful, yes.

Also...Minute Maid is own by The Coca Cola Company!

I'm a lil more doubtful about its 100% juice now.

Mighty God, hear Me!

One of the worst enemies you can have is your mind.

Your mind can deceive you, it can have thoughts on its on and sometimes you allow it to take over you without you knowing. No matter how much you do wrestle with it.

Friday was a weird day because of somethings that I notice. And looking at it I feel helpless.

During these moments all you want to do is breakdown and cry.

But my tears are dried out now, my heart and my mind is tired of this same cycle. During these moments it is hard to reach out to God for help, when you feel like He's not there.

Even though you KNOW all the lessons you were taught in bible study and sunday school.

At that moment it's seem so difficult to apply your faith. But I thank God because He does CARE

because He is THERE

As I was just watching the news a min ago. On how a old lady who was home by herself called the police because a burglar was breaking into her house. She was going to fight off the burglar with a broom. Good thing the police came as soon as possible and arrested the man.

But I was thinking about, "Wow how scary can that be."

And it hit me.

The similar incident I almost had over a year ago. How God protected me...how He took out the violence neighbor out my house and putted in new ones. And then it just all start coming back on how God slowly changed my life, every blessings He has done. All the things that I used to get upset about, He fixed it.

And to think if He have gotten me out of those things. How can't he get me out of this one?

Its just a thought. Sometimes even though you think you're doing the right thing.

It sometimes still not enough, sometime we still don't give Him enough credit.

And there will be tests God will let you fail in order to see the real you. To see where you stand. But I thank God because his mercy is everlasting and grace comes in abundance.

What a Mighty God I served.

Reminder/Encouragement For Courage Man: No matter what don't give up because God is not done with you. Be still.

Believe God: All Things Are Possible!

- Courage Man

Relaxing Saturday

With my plans cancel today. I can finally spend it at home, with my Crimson Summer Academy T-shirt and shorts, just being a slob.

This week has been fill with lots of DISCOUNTS and LAUGHTERS!

I was really proud of myself in buying a jacket for $8 at Goodwill, it is so beautiful. That was my highlight on Monday.

Tuesday was just a peaceful day. Work then got to spend sometime with my beloved AMANDA before bible study. All ended well to a great day :)

Wednesday afterwork I got to hang with my SPANISH family! And was I in SEARS heaven. So much things on sale but again I was trying to keep up with my budgets but still found these beautiful boots for $12 ...(unfortunately the con of these boots was somehow it lacks grip, I tripped 7-8 times wearing them on Thursday!)

Thursday was very special not because I was dying in the office for 4 hours. But my day was brighting up watching my Bffl skate. I must admit I must have been the worse bffl ever just watching him struggle the whole time on the ice skating rink. Recording him and laughing at his BELLYFLOP! But we had a great laugh and great time. Then later met up for SUSHI with Sophie and Yanyi! I got to make a new friend, Alpha! I was jealous of how awesome he was, getting into Dartmouth College!

We ate at this lil vending sushi store in chinatown. Very small square table with 6 people. If I was not so sick I wouldve took a pic. But my mind was too congested to think -o-! We had a great great great time! So much laughters and so much jokes made about me! (hehe)

And to think me and my bffl was going to give up on the sushi plan to see Mary Poppins! As we were walking to chinatown these two ladies gave us free tickets to see Mary Poppin LIVE. We were so tempted (FREE!) But we didnt fall into TEMPTATION and stuck to the plan and I'm so glad we didnt! No free tickets can ever be better than FRIENDSHIP!

And the sushi was so CHEAP and GOOD! (Another DISCOUNT!)

It was such a great night. I miss these girls and hope that we have an opportunity to do it again all 6 of us!

Friday, I rather not speak of. Too lazy to go into detail. But it was a..weird night.

And here TODAY is Saturday woke up at 2. Darn me for watching Super Sized Me at 5 in the morning. But couldnt help it! It was FREE on Hulu. Oh how I love HULU x3.

- Courage Man

Close your eyes and WATCH!

I will write later on what a beautiful week this has been. Though there was some lows but the HIGHS are the most important part.

I was reading Girls Talk again. And there was another post that was a great reminder on how I was feeling moments ago:

Because He cares for You

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Not only will He never leave you--that's the negative side of the promise--but He cares for you. He is not just there with you. He cares for you. His care is constant--not occasional or sporadic. His care is total--even the very hairs of your head are numbered. His care is sovereign--nothing can touch you that He does not allow. His care is infinitely wise and good so that again in the words of John Newton, 'If it were possible for me to alter any part of his plan, I could only spoil it.'"

--Jerry Bridges, Trusting God, p.199.

Lord, I thank you because despite of who I'am and all of my mistakes. You still cared and through every tear God you was there, you never left my side. Your mercy endureth forever and I'm so glad! Have your way in me. I love you.

- Courage Man

$$!

HMMERS!

This Feb break is full of plans and I'am very happy about it! After all this studying and working on my college process. It is time to have fun and spend it with friends that you love!

• Shopping with my fav spanish Mom!
• Sushi with Yanyi and Sophie!
• Driving around with my WillWill
• Going to Hong Kong with Raya

I'm so DELIGHTED to have plans with all these people but the problem is COURAGE MAN is broke! She is going to have to manage her money wisely. Hopefully everyone would be understanding if her cheap ego comes out pretty strongly.

Let the FUN and SAVING begin!

- Courage Man

THANK GOD! REJOICE!

As I'am reading my post from yesterday. I can't stop thinking about how wonderful God truly is.

Everything that I have wrote in my last post was answered through the pulpit.

- Negative thoughts/feelings - how they're real, it is like a tug inside of you

- Confusion

God allows you to feel these things so you may grow closer to Him. That you will seek Him for guidance and answers. It's never EASY but God is ALWAYS close by. so STAY STRONG and DON'T GIVE UP FAITH!

- Courage Man

They pierced Him in His side,
they pierced Him in His side,
they pierced Him in His side for me.

Answering God! YES HE IS!

I have been feeling really uneasy this whole week

Figuring out that one of your closest friends has lost a love one in their family is hard. What hurts the most is to hear it from someone else. And your friend has no intention in sharing this news with you.

I did not realize how distant I have become with some people till this week. It's a odd recognition. Because I don't really know what to do with this new found fact.

Do I just go along with it? Do something to change it?

Answer: None

The only thing I have really been doing is thinking, and it has built a lot of negativity in me this week and a lot of confusion.

Thoughts where I try to draw up an conclusion on how did it turned out this way. The root and what to do?

In a way I feel all by myself.

No one where I can turn to or even know how to express how I feel in words/describe this emotion.

There are somethings that my friends have done that hurts me. Times where I want to direct my thoughts and frustration to them.

But I must learn to forgive and move on. And direct my focus on God.

It's never easy especially how your your feeling at that moment.

Reminders on that is: LOVE & REACTION

The hardest is to bare with those feelings during that particular moment. Especially when you can't feel God's presence with you. It's hard. But at the same time it is a test.

What I want to remind myself during those times is God's Love.

Friday's Scripture was:

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

God has never left me because He loves me. That is why Jesus has died on the cross so that I may live. He knows my every thoughts and every move. He sees everything so there is nothing to worry or to be confuse about. I'm in His hands and He has already made a path for me even though I can't see it.

And learn not to react to my negative thoughts, do not give Satan any opportunity in my life. But be grateful and learned how to love like God.

Show love to the people I care about and also to those that are hard for me to love and forgive.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11

Prayer: Lord God, though it is natural for me to feel how I do because I'am still human and made of flesh. But God you have given me a soul to receive what YOU want from me. And God that souls yearns more and cries out to you despite what the flesh and Satan may say. Pray God that you will forgive me for my ways, for my thoughts and the way I have treated some people. God help me to see my faults and confess my sins, for there is no one to blame but myself. God I just pray you take me back to the roots of my problems that I have caused so that I may be able to heal and fixed it, not by strength but by yours. I pray God that you send your Angel of Peace to me, to my mind and to my spirit. That I may do good work in you and continue to move forward not looking back or looking around in question. God help me not to lean on my understanding but acknowledge you, for God I do not think like you and you said already in your Words that you already have a plan for me. God you know my every thought, and in every dark times in my life, you was there. Help me to see the light and help me to have faith to know that you have never forsaken me and that you're still working and molding me to do your work and to be perfect in you. God is because you love me you died for me on the cross. Even before I was born God you already knew my name, you chosen me. I was purchased by your blood and I'am forever grateful. Your grace is enough for me. Every time when I failed, your grace give me new opportunities to try again. What a mighty and forgiving God I serve! Hallelujah! God despite how I feel and despite what I'm going through, I trust you. I love you so much and Thank you for loving me unconditionally.

Let me get it right this time!

In Jesus Mighty Name, Amen

- Courage Man

P.S. Sometimes one apology really does make a difference. Brightens up your day!

Update at 10:28 PM

God is so great He has answer my thoughts and this post in our morning prayers today.

"Rejoice in the Lord alway; and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

(Philippians 4:4-7)

God is a true God and the only God. The Word He has spoken to me through the pulpit is what I need. It is better what I can find in the bible myself because He knows what I need to apply to my life. How can I ever denied Him!? He has never left my side and knows what I need everyday.

Thank Him for another Sunday to worship Him and wonderful fellowships with my brothers and sisters of Christ. Even if we did lose in Dominos. :)

2/14/11

Welcome my new plants aka Tommies to my family. Sadly I had no vase at home therefore was force to come up with an alternative. Thank goodness for water bottles! What great way to recycle right?

Hmmers I should come up with some fun ideas to recycle and reuse!

This was given to me for Valentine from a really good friend. It was supposedly a rose but it fell off. And to be honest I liked it better that way. Theres always something positive to turn to! Grateful for the love and the gifts.

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Expectation. It is one of the most annoying and tormenting feelings to me. Though I do have expectations, I dont usually expect anything from anyone. I do not expect one act of kindness from me will be returned the next second.

Promises are hard, I think I have problems in trusting people words...sometimes I don't even trust myself and sometimes you just cant!

The most upsetting thing is when every time I do let myself have expectation in others or in something. It always turns into a downfall.

How do I react?

- Angry?

- Sad?

- Usually I don't have a immediate reaction until later but it always lead to disappointment.

And yes of course it does hurt.

But I do notice a pattern, especially when I allow myself to have high expectation in something. My anticipation always get betrayed.

Maybe I need to work on somethings, learn how to be:

- More positive through hard times.

"And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7

- And no matter what, be thankful. Live with gratitude.

"Live generously and graciously toward others, the way God lives towards you." Matthew 5:48 (Version unknown)

- Courage Man

To Trust and Fight

I was reading a blog and I found an entry that really address on what I really need to work on:

"Recently, I heard a story about a woman who was gripped by fear in the middle of a dangerous storm. She got on her knees and asked God to help her trust Him, and instantly her fears vanished. She got up from her knees, got into bed, and fell asleep. Just like that.

"I wish that would happen to me more often!" I thought. But I don't usually feel less fearful the instant I pray or read Scripture. And then I worry that I'm doing something wrong or (mistakenly) assume that God's solution for anxiety "isn't working."

But my fearful feelings don't mean that God hasn't answered my prayers. Instead, as Elisabeth Elliot explains, "[God] wants us to learn to use our weapons."

He wants me to learn to persevere in prayer, he wants me to form habits of casting cares (1 Pet. 5:7) and befriending faithfulness (Ps. 37:3). He wants me to become proficient at speaking truthto myself. He wants me to learn to trust Him, even when I don't feel like it.

So if you think God has abandoned you in your fight against fear, think again. The ongoing fight isn't a sign that He's forgotten you, but that He's teaching you to trust. "

- Credits to Girltalk

Trust! Believe God: All Things Are Possible!

- Courage Man

Thank Goodness It's Friday!

I usually go to Borders but today on a special occasion I find myself at Barnes and Noble. Every plug and seat is taken, took me a little wandering to finally find a seat...with no table, very uncomfortable. The chair was small, weird shaped and really hard. Not meant for sitting I swear. But luckily the person next to me was leaving and here I'am sitting next to the window with a table and a chair I'm trying to tolerate.

In the past I had always favored Barnes&Nobles over Borders. But since I work in downtown, I always tend to stop by Borders. But now I believe it's vice versa, maybe Borders has grew on me or the fact that they have cushion sofas and chairs for readers to sit and relax or the fact that there were some books I could not find here at Barnes&Noble when no doubt I could've found it at Borders. -Shrug- Who knows. (Though I must give BN credit for better WIFI!)

The Bookstore is my favorite place to be in the world. It is always the place where I run to when I'm bored, alone, and for FUN! There something about being surrounded by books that always make me happy. Can't explain it but I really do enjoy it. It's a great place to have a little "me" time.

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One of the highlight so far for this week was definitely going to my first book signing! My beloved mentor/ex teacher planned this Wednesday to catch up with a Thai dinner. But plans changes when she told me about Peter Hessler. He was a journalist who lived in China for 10 years. He began in the Peace Corp. as a English teacher but later stayed and loved it. So he was there for 10 years studying the Chinese culture and ethnics. And because my dream is to become a journalist she thought I would really enjoy it. And I did! At the book signing he touched on events that happened when he was in China and the people he met on his road trip and about his new book, Country Driving. His talk was pretty comical and insightful. (Though I'm not sure is that a skill most writers have when talking about their experience/writing.)

I was pretty shy going up to him during the book signing. First, I never read any of his work but I ended up buying a book for him to sign. It's not everyday you have a journalist/writer signing YOUR book! Right? Second, I tend to become a bit shy around people who I think are awesome or I just "totally" admire them. Can't say I didnt stutter a little when I was up there. But it was good, I'm glad my beloved mentor smack me.

But CAN'T WAIT TO READ THE BOOK! I have a strict rule with myself now, where I must finish a book before I can begin a new one. So as much as I'm enjoying the book I'm reading right now, I'm still trying to finish it asap so I can start on this! ( Not gonna lie, I do BEND the rules sometimes :D )

To give a tad summary about this week: It has been pretty lazy, I have not been doing anything that productive, beside reading this book. I guess I have been on "vacation" mode.

I have not been reading my bible as much or even work on some tasks that I needed to get done.

Hopefully I get my act together after Saturday.

But I'm just SO glad this week is finally over. Today out all the other days this week was the busiest. Had a Nfte and Vocab quiz, debate practice making our new cases for the City Final Tournament, and had to run to the Post office to mail out my scholarship!

But finally it's over! What I needed to do this week has been accomplish. Now I'm just waiting to Praise the Lord at 7:30 in Service.

So until next time!

- Courage Man

Praise Him!

Today has been a really good day.

I had my Brown Interview and after I came home I found out I got ACCEPTED to University Of New Hampshire.

Overall it was great day. My Brown Interview went well, I'm really glad I finally did it. I was nervous before in doing another college interview because of my first interview with Wellesley did not go well. In a way it traumatized me, made me believe that I'm not good with college interviews. I was not going to do another one until Brown emailed me. But I learned today one bad experience should not stop you in trying again! My interviewer was an Alumni from Brown, he was a Bishop at this church near my school. Unlike my Wellesley interviewer, he was really friendly and nice. I felt comfortable talking to him and ended up talking more than I expected myself to.

And even before the interview I had many encouragements from people. I thank all of them who believed in me! I had a bonding moment with one of my teachers and she really came through to me. Telling me her experience when she first started out after college. It got me thinking how, it all takes time and practice. Thank God for always preparing me before everything. Having a Brown Interview was a great opportunity. You must take advantage of every opportunity you can!

Thank God for all the amazing blessings today. I'm so happy He is always giving me new opportunities and pushing me out of my comfort zone.

I'm also happy about getting into UNH! Though it is one of my safety school it was just a great feeling to be accepted and knowing you're going somewhere for college. Also it is my first Acceptance letter!

Though my parents were not as excited as I was because as the asian parents as they were, state schools did not seems good enough to them. I know my dad really wants me to get into Brown University and so do I. But we will see what happens, but I have no doubt that God will bless me in a great college.

To whoever is reading this blog, please keep me in your Prayers for college and for God to give me direction to my life.

Reminders: Take every opportunity that's in front of you and do not be scare! Stay confident and watch!

- Courage Man

R.I.P Domo Stanton Lam

I accidentally left you at CSA over the summer and thought you were in good hands of a friend. But later to find out that you were eaten by a dog.

It breaks my heart and you will be missed!

My friend said she would buy me a new one. But Domo Stanton Lam cannot be replaced. It was the value of this doll that was really important and what it meant to me. Though me and Domo only spend the summer together, he done a lot for me. Cuddle with me to sleep or letting me stared at him when I'm stress or confused. He let me ask questions and never would he talk back! He was a great listener, alright. ( I know he's a doll but hush)

Anyone can buy me a doll but no one has ever WON me one. I'm not a big fan of dolls.

There was a phase when I was when I was a child but after a while I got tired of them because they were taking too much space on my bed. I never really find them cute or cuddly. I'm just not that type of girl.

If any of my friends was to buy me a doll for my birthday or any special event. I don't really know how to react just because I'm not a doll person or where to even put it. But of course I will take it because it was the thought that counts! But its even more thoughtful or more special when someone actually took the time to WIN the doll just for you. When one of my special friend won this for me at a dart board game ( I'm guessing) at Canobie Lake. I was pretty astounded just because I was flatter they would even think

about me at such time. And the effort they put to win it. Also its not everyday someone would do such a thing for you, right!?

I know it may be just a doll. But you're still emotionally attach to it no matter what. I was really upset with myself when I first found out I left him at CSA. Now I'm really mad at myself that I did. Or he would be right next to me on the laptop just like that picture over the summer.

Domo was special because he was bought to my life/summer with a great price of friendship and LOVE! And I cherished him and loved him.

R.I.P Domo Stanton Lam!

You will never be replaced. Mommy and Daddy miss you lots!

- Courage Man

Happy Chinese New Year!

These last two days has been full of laughter n fun!

Thank goodness for no school on Wednesday, giving me time to rest and time with my bffl!

We had a crazy night going to Olive Garden, J.P Licks, and Boston Bowl!

There was so much about that night, I don't know where even to start or when to stop. How bout our little hysterical moment in the car after olive garden for some corny reason. Or how we got lost couple of times with ice blocking our view? Or my fails at J.P Licks? I can go on the list but I believe that somethings cannot be recorded. It's all cherish inside for memories and in your heart!

Also HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY TO WINNIE! This is how I spend my Chinese New Year today, waiting for the bus for half an hour (not including the train) just to have hot pot with this birthday girl. But I'm proud of her and I just Pray that she will continue to grow closer to God and seek His way!

Hope she knows she is beautiful in her own way that could not be define by human eyes. She was created for a purpose and there is no need to compare with others. Hope she knows that it doesn't matter how good other people may look. She is great in her own way and I hope she embraces that. I pray God will continue to show Himself to her. Cause life with God is so much better. I love you Winnie and Thank God for you and even in my stubborn times you show me the wrong even when I'm in denial.

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God is so good, he's indescribable!

He cannot be predict and we can never fully understand him without HIM, himself showing it to us.

Today as I was waiting for the train with my friend. We had this silent moment then she asked me out of the blue why I switched church. It astounded me because as much as were good friends we are not that close.

I was never good in responding to questions like these, " How did you end up in beliving in God?" "How did you find this church?"- They want to know your story-

I never knew how to really answer that because my answer is really simply: "It was God."

But in the natural they want to know the story. And its hard because God took me through a lot to get through my stubborn mind to get to where I'am now. ( How silly was I, right!?) I don't like telling it because it's a long story and I suck at giving the abridge version.

As I was telling my friend this, she was really listening ( well I believe so from what I saw). I was trying to get her to come but she was reluctant and our conversation ended short when it came to my stop.

But it really did get me thinking like..WOW...people are really watching your life. You never know who God will assign you to, to be a witness, to be a friend, or even to be a mentor to. I would have never thought to ever be asked or had this conversation wit this friend. You just can't plan it, God does.

And as I was thinking about this walking to Prayers. It was awesome how tonight Prayer turn out to be about conflicts and how to be a better example to people who's in our life.

God always come on time and you just don't know what He will do next.

Pray God will continue to be glorify in my life and help me to be a better examples to my family, peers, and friends!

Also..I realize your story don't have to be interesting to capture someone heart or to AMAZE them about Christ. But what you experience is what it is. The rest let God have His way. It's about the anointing and His work. Not we ourselves!

Reminder of the day: CONTINUE TO LOVE!

- Courage Man

Best Friends For Life

Happy 1 year and 1 day Anniversary to my Bffl, Terrell Stanton.

Thank God for you and thanks for being in my life. Love you.

- Courage Man