St. Augustine Confession

"I felt that I was still the captive of my sins, and in my misery I kept crying, 'How long shall I go on saying 'tomorrow, tomorrow'?' Why not now? Why not make an end of my ugly sins at this moment?"

- St. Augustine, Confessions

Moving Forward

Final Draft for Essay 2 (English) CHECK

English Article and Respond CHECK

40 pages of reading for Philosophy LOADING...

10 pages of Women and Gender Studies + 5 page article LOADING...

There was always this person who will yell at me for getting so distracted and not doing work. They tried to motivate me to keep going inbetween the yellings. I miss that voice. It's these late nights like right now where I'm by myself in the study room doing work where I miss that voice the most. But I learned to focus and keep pushing myself forward...if they only knew they would be so proud! Hahas.

- Courage Man

10/21/2011

Questions of the day: How do you become an affectionate person? And what does it mean to be an affectionate person?

Seeds Blossoming

I was looking through a friend's blog. I found some surprising posts and pictures that involves me in it.

Pictures from my high school play and leadership roles that I was involve back at JQUS.

Questions that I have asked this friend which have been forgotten until now.

Though I have only been an official college student roughly for about a month and a half. Looking through the pictures...I really miss high school.

I miss the familiar faces the comfort and intimacy I had with this school.

JQUS is not perfect, there were also many bad memories mix in the soup. But this school shaped me to be the young woman I am today.

It was JQUS where I met my mentors, my pastor/church, and my friends.

It was the place where I spend most of my time and effort.

I miss JQUS so much. As I thought more in depth about my high school. Some regrets arise and somethings I wish I did better in.

I wish I was more outgoing.

I wish I was more outspoken.

I wish I took the time to get to know some people better.

I wish I worked harder.

I don't know am I being too hard on myself. But I know in our everyday walk when we look back we always wish we could do something different. Sadly though we can't change what has been done. But be thankful that today marks a new opportunity and another chance to try again.

I can't change the High School Mandy. But maybe I can do something different about College Mandy.

I hope today I will be more outrageous, loud, happy, and to stop holding back.

To stop feeling intimidated and stop letting that little voice inside saying, "That's crazy! No way can I do that!"

I hope to start saying more, "Yes I will." "Yes I can."

That reminds me of one of my favorite quote:

"Courage does not always ROAR! Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -----> And that is what I'm trying today.

Coming to Holy Cross was not the easiest thing. There were moments where I hated this school and had a dislike also for the people. I felt socially outcasted. I felt academically unprepared. So many times I wanted to turn back, pack up my bags and go back to Boston. I hated Worcester. I hated the changes. I hate not being able to just take the train to Galleria or Copley or Downtown. I miss the city life so much. I miss walking to school having to take several buses to get there. But I learn to embrace the changes. The changes taught me to cherish my city even more. And without changes in our lives...we can't grow.

....As I continue to explore my friend's blog. I came upon a post about me asking the question about, "inner beauty." It took me by surprise because I forgot that even hindered me before. My thoughts again took me back into my memories. About my low self-esteem on my outer appearances. When I first started transiting my life toward God. Giving up my make up, earrings, and other accessories. All the material thing that made me felt so beautiful and confident. It was that moment in my life when I felt the most ugly. It was the pressure seeing my other friends wearing make up and other trends that was in season. It was the jealousy I had for a particular friend where I saw her outshining me. This was not something I really shared with anyone during that time. One reason having to be I was ashame to be even having those thoughts and how I was in denial in hating on others for looking more beautiful. And the yearning I had to go back to that life style. But I tried to focused on how God sees me and the inner beauty within me. Looking back now I don't know when I stopped caring or when it stop phasing me. I can say now those things doesn't matter to me anymore. There are moments of course where I look in the mirror and wish I had clearer skin, tanner or whiter teeth. But all of those are wishful thinking. (Hehe!)

I'm satisfy how I look and I'm satisfy in the way that I dress.

There is so much things that I use to worry about which seem so small now. Reading my friend's blog make me realize how much I have grown as a young woman and how far God has taken me. Seeing how He carried me putting new things in my heart. And the deliverances and blessings He has put in my life.

I hope to keep growing more mature mentally and spiritually.

Knocking down those doors today not fearing what's behind it!

- Courage Man

Another Day Unfold 10/19/2011

Highlights Of My Day

- 2 Midterms DONE

- Chai Tea

- Overcoming a Text

- Black Student Union Fashion Show Audition

- Prayers

"No. 26! It's your turn!"

Catwalks and modeling is out of my character. I don't know what came over me in trying out.

...Me and my 2 inch heel going down the "mini" platform...pose...then walk back.

It was not something I was really comfortable with but lately I been willing to try new things.

Thanking my roommate and friends for helping me with my walk before the audition! #Yayay

Me and my roommate have been up since 6 am but still we are full of energy right now.

Thanking God for helping me getting through today with 2 Midterms and other stuffs in between that had to get done. Truly today every hour was spent wisely and productively. From the help of some pomegranate green tea and chai!

There never seem to be a pause button. You just have to go with the flow.

Prayer tonight was wonderful and very insightful. It did not go the way how it usually does but that was where the spirit led us and I'm grateful.

Usually we have a opening prayer, a scripture/testimony, prayer, closing prayer.

I had already prepared a scripture from Ecclesiastes 3:1-11...but instead today we started with testimony before reading the word...and somehow it broke into a long discussion. Everyone was sharing their stories and the lessons they have learned from their walk with God.

Standing there all I could do was take in what was being said...drowning in the goodness and the unity God has put in that moment. Before you know...we were talking for an hour in our prayer group...all related back to Ecclesiastes 3:1-11.

It's amazing how God operates...and I'm just speechless.

I am learning so much from others in the prayer group and they are also helping me learn more about myself.

After prayers someone said something to me....which made me felt so happy...and unworthy at the sametime.

...The lyrics from The Only Thing by Ronnie Freeman that goes "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus." fits perfectly in my reaction from their comment.

Everytime when I ask God to be glorify in my life, MY interpretation from this request was having people see something different in me from afar. But tonight I learned that is not how God is glorify...or at least that is not how He is using me right now.

It's the people who are close to you that needs to see God being glorify in your life.

If the people who are close can't see...how do you expect strangers to see as well?

When those words came out of my friend's lips...in wanting to change their life...from what they saw in me...from what they have been feeling in the prayer group.

Inside I was so happy and excited for them that they have come to this conclusion. But inside I also wanted to break down and get on my knees and say it's not me. All the glory goes back to God...I am just a tool...I'm not worthy at all....

It was the first time I really felt God being glorify in my life...and reminds me you don't know who is watching your life...

I thank her for her honesty...I thank her because she encourage me also the be friendlier.. when I don't want to. To be a nicer and warmer person to others....

I'm so thankful to God for making it this far...and I'm going to keep on going...no matter what.

I remember a sister said in church on Sunday, "I'm not letting anything get in the way in what God has for me."

Prayer: Lord God I'm thankful for another day just to breathe and smile on this earth not by myself but with your presence near and with friends accompanying me. I'm thankful because I have made it this far with you and I know it's just the beginning. As I sit here on this cold floor...in my residential hall...I look around and think, "Look what the Lord have done!" Sometimes I can't believe I'm at Holy Cross...or even in college...though I always knew I wanted to go to college...you had a different plan for me. Never would I have known about a prayer group. Never would I have known the plans you had for me here...I still don't know the whole game plan but it's ok. Never would I have known my worth in your eyes. God help me to rely on you even more tomorrow. I'm out of words on how amazing you are. I can't describe how much I need you each day. I don't know what else to say but THANK YOU...and feel my heart. This is my prayer. I love you Jesus. Help me to fall more in love with you each day. This is my desire. Amen.

- Courage Man

YES! It's happening again!

I will be dedicating a week of blogging again. :) Good exercise and a way to track down the memories.

- Courage Man

Tie up, Wrap Up, Tangle Up

I am grateful for being pulled and pressured in doing things I don't want to do. Sometimes you just need a little push and a little tug to help you move forward.

If it wasn't for some friends forcing me to join intramural soccer I would have never known the love I had for the game (even though I still suck).

I'm glad today (well yesterday) someone encouraged me to go to a interview where I had second thoughts about.

But what she said was true:

"Well if you don't go you'll never know the results. BUT if you do go your only losing 20 mins of your time and WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT CHANGE YOUR LIFE! MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A SOCIOLOGY MAJOR ANYMORE you want to CHANGE IT TO SOMETHING ELSE AND OPEN YOUR OWN COMPANY AND BECOME CEO!"

^ I laughed at her enthusiasm.

Overdramatic but very true. You never know if you don't try. And you really don't know if it's going to change your life.

So I'm glad I did not go with my feelings and fears but instead went with some guts and faith.

The interview turned out really well...now all I can do is wait and know if it's for me it's for me.

POSITIVE OUTLOOK!

I'm thankful for God for reminding me to keep pressing. Thankful for friends. Thankful for silly comments because they matter and they may have the biggest impact on your day.

Overall today was packed with productivity and effort (also those random moments with friends in between).

I'M SO HAPPY! I received a A on my first Women and Gender Studies paper. Really excited and def. encouraged. YAYAYAY!

Vacation is over and it's back to work. A packed week with midterms and papers...but it's ok.

Going to allow to be pull and push myself a little further.

Reminder: It's just a little rain. Go through the wilderness! (Scorpions and Snakes)

- Courage Man

P.S. 5 MORE POST till I reach my 100 post! Sorry it took so long but at least I made it this far! YAYAYAY

MercyMe - Bring The Rain

This song really describes how I feel about the Lord right now.

Enjoy ~

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mercyme-lyrics/bring-the-rain-lyrics.html )
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

- Courage Man

Trust Falls

October Break is in a few days. Still have some studying and a paper to write. Can't wait to see what my mini break has in store for me.

As I'm laying here on my aqua rug (freezing to death...) I can't stop thinking about where I am going.

There are still somethings in my life that I'm not sure am I suppose to let go right now.

One thing that has been on my mind is trust falls!

The purpose of a trust fall is to fall backward trusting your partner will catch you.

I thought about how to really let go and trust that God will be there to catch me....that is something I'm still trying to do.

Letting go of the railing...not looking down at how high up I am. Closing my eyes and fall...

Letting go of my thoughts, my emotions, my dreams, and my ideas.

Just keep on going...

- Courage Man

Update 1:06 am: I am finally allowing myself to fall.