Seeds Blossoming

I was looking through a friend's blog. I found some surprising posts and pictures that involves me in it.

Pictures from my high school play and leadership roles that I was involve back at JQUS.

Questions that I have asked this friend which have been forgotten until now.

Though I have only been an official college student roughly for about a month and a half. Looking through the pictures...I really miss high school.

I miss the familiar faces the comfort and intimacy I had with this school.

JQUS is not perfect, there were also many bad memories mix in the soup. But this school shaped me to be the young woman I am today.

It was JQUS where I met my mentors, my pastor/church, and my friends.

It was the place where I spend most of my time and effort.

I miss JQUS so much. As I thought more in depth about my high school. Some regrets arise and somethings I wish I did better in.

I wish I was more outgoing.

I wish I was more outspoken.

I wish I took the time to get to know some people better.

I wish I worked harder.

I don't know am I being too hard on myself. But I know in our everyday walk when we look back we always wish we could do something different. Sadly though we can't change what has been done. But be thankful that today marks a new opportunity and another chance to try again.

I can't change the High School Mandy. But maybe I can do something different about College Mandy.

I hope today I will be more outrageous, loud, happy, and to stop holding back.

To stop feeling intimidated and stop letting that little voice inside saying, "That's crazy! No way can I do that!"

I hope to start saying more, "Yes I will." "Yes I can."

That reminds me of one of my favorite quote:

"Courage does not always ROAR! Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -----> And that is what I'm trying today.

Coming to Holy Cross was not the easiest thing. There were moments where I hated this school and had a dislike also for the people. I felt socially outcasted. I felt academically unprepared. So many times I wanted to turn back, pack up my bags and go back to Boston. I hated Worcester. I hated the changes. I hate not being able to just take the train to Galleria or Copley or Downtown. I miss the city life so much. I miss walking to school having to take several buses to get there. But I learn to embrace the changes. The changes taught me to cherish my city even more. And without changes in our lives...we can't grow.

....As I continue to explore my friend's blog. I came upon a post about me asking the question about, "inner beauty." It took me by surprise because I forgot that even hindered me before. My thoughts again took me back into my memories. About my low self-esteem on my outer appearances. When I first started transiting my life toward God. Giving up my make up, earrings, and other accessories. All the material thing that made me felt so beautiful and confident. It was that moment in my life when I felt the most ugly. It was the pressure seeing my other friends wearing make up and other trends that was in season. It was the jealousy I had for a particular friend where I saw her outshining me. This was not something I really shared with anyone during that time. One reason having to be I was ashame to be even having those thoughts and how I was in denial in hating on others for looking more beautiful. And the yearning I had to go back to that life style. But I tried to focused on how God sees me and the inner beauty within me. Looking back now I don't know when I stopped caring or when it stop phasing me. I can say now those things doesn't matter to me anymore. There are moments of course where I look in the mirror and wish I had clearer skin, tanner or whiter teeth. But all of those are wishful thinking. (Hehe!)

I'm satisfy how I look and I'm satisfy in the way that I dress.

There is so much things that I use to worry about which seem so small now. Reading my friend's blog make me realize how much I have grown as a young woman and how far God has taken me. Seeing how He carried me putting new things in my heart. And the deliverances and blessings He has put in my life.

I hope to keep growing more mature mentally and spiritually.

Knocking down those doors today not fearing what's behind it!

- Courage Man