Merits

When I use to think about academic merits. I thought it only applied to those who are naturally intelligent. Yes its true that some people who can acquire skills and informations easier than others have an advantage. But academic merits also require hard work.
I went to the end of a fish bowl today about affirmative action...I thought about how amazing it is to be in a room full of students with their own opinions and their intellects. It made me feel like a true scholar being in there...as I was walking back to my room...I thought about a friend who I was talking to today.
He was somewhat gloating about how he got a 5 on his AP test and how he does so well in his classes. At that moment he made me feel like I was not smart enough. And as I was walking back to my room, I realized sometimes I really don't feel like I am smart enough nor do I have any valuable skills or gifts. I thought about the intellectuals I come encounter with, who always counter my opinions and I would be the one who forfeit the argument with my silence everytime and they take it as a victory. What I hate the most is when I come up with an argument 2 hours later after the debate.
It frustrated me because I thought to myself, "How come I can never think on the spot!?"
As I was thinking about all this walking back to my room, I thought to myself..."Well I just have to work harder and keep learning so I can be smarter so I can be at their level."
But something came over me after that thought...I am relying on my own strength.
I am not trusting God to help me through. I am not relying on Him and I trying for all the wrong reasons.
I am attempting to work hard not for His glory but for competition and because of my own insecurities.
Thinking about it now...those same thoughts were the things that led me to my failures and disappointments in high school when I didn't achieve those goals.
I always compare myself to the best demeaning my own accomplishments.

There are enough intellectuals out there in the world. Who can craft a cohesive argument and can use fancy words to describe a plant.
Does being the smartest in the world mean anything?

I am not saying that I'm not smart enough or that I'm not able. But I want to be my own individual and I want to grow at my own pace. I want to learn and to grow in places where I am passionate about.  I want to be able to grow in character and with a critical mind. And along the way I hope I can use what I obtained to help others.
So God, have your way on my life. Help me to grow intellectually with you. Teach me to think and learn in new ways. Make all those who may think their above me wonder why I have so much faith and why I am still so blessed. Be glorified Majesty. You're God all by yourself.

-Courage Man