Turning Over a New Leaf

I am going to do things differently this year. No matter how it looks like I am going to trust God. I will continue this journey...this path with Him. I'll trust Him all the way.
I am excited in what this academic year have in store.
I want to be a stronger christian.
A better student.
But all of those are ideal images of myself. I must make sure that through everything I must seek Him first and ask God for His will to be done in my life. This school year I have to learn how to please God while working, studying, laughing, and playing.
Lord, give me the mind of Jesus today.
A group of my friends were in someone's room and we were just talking about how we all don't know what we're going to major in. How it going to be hard to find a job after we graduate. How this school doesnt give equal opportunities to everyone and that it is all based on bias and favoritism.
Talking and listening to this conversation can make one really discourage about their future and where they're going in life. But I refuse to be worry or scare.
I must keep my eyes on Him to the finish line. I am going to be more bolder for God. I will take more risk trusting God. I'll allow Him to take me out of my comfort zones to bring me somewhere new. I will let Him guide me. I will pray for direction. In everything that I do I must PRAY PRAY PRAY! I will praise/pray/worship my way through the trials. I trust Him.

I don't care how it looks right this moment. I don't care how some may be ahead of me. God knows every step that I am going to take. "But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him." 1 Corinithians 2:9

Stay encourage and don't lose faith (don't lose heart). Pray without ceasing.

- Courage Man

Set Me Free

Dear God,
It just feel like sometimes pain after pain keep piling up in my life and on my heart. It feels like more problems come ahead before the old ones are even resolved. It feels like sometimes that everyone around me are moving forward and moving way ahead of me. It makes me feel nervous.  I think about the people that I loved who has hurt me. I feel betrayed, abandoned, angry, hurt, and most especially frustrated. I feel frustrated because all I see is what is in front of me. I feel frustrated because I feel like I deserve better sometimes. I am mad because I just don't know how to get out. Father, what do I do? God what can I do? Where can I go? Who do I lean on? Sometimes it feel like my world is falling apart. Sometimes I can't help feeling how unfair life could be. I can't help feeling how some people could just move on with their lives and leaving me in the dust. How could I be so unimportant to people who I cherished as friends? I don't know Jesus. I just don't know.
But Lord despite all my uncertainty..despite all my anger. I don't know why I still have so much hope. I don't know why despite all my pain I know God you still love me. Despite of everything God you still remain. Even in my darkest times...even in my lowest God..I don't know why I still believe in you. God you're what I hold on to when I am losing my mind. You're what I hold on to when there is nothing else to hold on to. You're everything Jesus. Even though it is hard to see it sometimes...it is hard to feel you sometimes Jesus...I don't know why I still know God that you're not done and that you will make a way out of no way.
Even on the days where I feel like nothing, I can hear the Holy Ghost telling me that I am something.
When I am angry...you calm the storm in me.
When I feel hopeless...Jesus...you give me the mind to seek you.
I just don't know why.
God I believed that the reason why I am going through what I am going through and I can't get deliverance or a breakthrough must be because I keep falling in the same place...and that I am not CHANGEABLE. So I will be forever stuck. But God help me to trust that everything is going according to your plan as long as I keep following you. Jesus I will follow you all the way. Even if everyone turns their back on me. Help me to not be dramatic, sensitive, or be easily offended. But help me to love unconditionally like you. I love you today Jesus. I need more of you in my life and less of me.
God forgive me today for my thoughts and my behaviors that are not like you. Renew my heart, mind, and soul back to you.
You will be blessed me wherever I go and whatever I need. Education, relationships/friends, family, career, salvation, my identity. Have you way today Jesus. It is not over today. You're for me.
I remember a sister said at church a story of Joshua, You promised that there is a blessing behind that wall, no one believed because of what they saw. They said it was impossible. It was too big and it was too much..there was no way they can conquer and get through it. But Joshua step back and he saw what was BEHIND the wall and I walked around it 7 times. He believed and Lord you blessed Him with more than he expected or imagined.
So God help me to step back today and keep my eyes on the reward and on your promises. Whatever you have for me is for me today.
My deliverance, my restoration, my prosperity is over those walls. I am going and I am not stopping. I am going all the way.
Integrity. Faith. Strength. Hard Work. Love. Hope. Joy.
I love you I love you I love you. Thank you Father today just for who you're. I love you so much. There is no one else like you.
Satan is defeated. Open my eyes to see the truth and not be deceived. Take away any envy and anger that may be in me...cleanse me with your blood and create in me a clean heart. :)

Love your daughter,
Mandy Lam

The Real Me

I know I was suppose to write a post everyday this week but I have fell into my own flesh and ignored what I have promised myself. Each day we have training from 9 am-10 pm...by the time I get back to my room..I am just exhausted....(I fell asleep reading my bible last night.)

I didn't really want to post tonight because I am just not in the mood and struggling with some personal stuff..but I am forcing myself because I know there are some thoughts that needs to be release here.
I don't even know where to start how this week has been. It has been amazing because I have met so many new people; I have learned so much about myself and I have learned so many new skills. I thank God for giving me this opportunity to be part of MPE because I didn't want to do the training at first because I didn't want to come back to Holy Cross so early. But thank goodness I didn't do what I wanted.
Though it has been amazing...I have also been battling with somethings...somethings that are still not resolve from last semester.
My mind.
I think about EVERYTHING. Yes, that is why we all have a mind to THINK. But you know how some people say don't abuse the power that you have? Well I abuse my mind.
I think to the point where it is unnecessary...where I bring myself to a place of confusion, sadness, and hopelessness. I refuse to stay this way. I need the Lord to renew my mind.
I need the Lord to fix me.
I need the Lord to open my eyes and show me the truth.
I realized this week that there are times where I acted in a certain way that I felt like it was not godly or right. And the sad thing is as human's we want to fit in. We want to be accepted. We want to be acknowledge. Even when we tell ourselves that, "I am going to be me." We subconsciously want the attention and there are reasons why we act a certain way...to get the reaction we want.
If you have been in my mind...you would know how foolish I have been...because as I am sitting here right now at this desk...I am just thinking...you're stronger than this.
When I looked at some people I could not help but compare myself...
I could not help to think how people really think about me...how I am not this...and not that.
I get to the point where I isolate myself.
How silly was I?
(The need of prayer came over me again as I was writing)
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Lord, I come to you as humbly as I know how. Help to stay strong in you and know God I am stronger than I think...through you I can do anything. I am strong. I am strong Jesus with you. Help me to never to accept the enemy's lie for the truth. Help me to never sell myself out. Help me to stay true to myself and what I believe in. Even if that means that I have to do it all by myself. Even when I have to stand alone. Help me to stay true to who I am...to stay true in you. Jesus I know that you didn't call me to be alone but you already have the people you have assigned to my life in place...and that I don't have to worry who comes in or out of my life...who will accept me...who will see the real me...because everything is in place...you're in control Jesus. I am never alone. I have the right friends today. I have you Jesus. You alone are enough because you alone have all that I need. I love you today Jesus. I want to love you even more. Help me to be real and be who you call me to be. I bind comparison. I bind hopelessness. In you there is life. In you I have joy. No one can take me away from you. Nobody's lifestyle can convince me that I need to change mine. Because I know God where you have bought me out. I know God if it wasnt for you Lord I wouldnt be where I am. And even though sometimes when I look at my life and I feel like I have nothing. Nothing worth to share...just nothing. God I know you have SOMETHING for me. This SOMETHING is so much better than I can ever imagine. God help me to stick to the truth. God I really need you to help me to stay strong no matter what. Help me to rejoice no matter what. Loosen your understanding and wisdom in my life. Give me peace. Lord I remember when I came back to Holy Cross on Saturday..I made up my mind that I am ready. I was ready for this new school year...and I was ready for the new challenges ahead. This is just the first one out of all the other ones. You never said it would be easy. You never said it would be painless. But you promise God that you will never forsake me and you will be there right next to me every step of the way. So help me Jesus to trust you with all my heart. Help me to work hard and labor in you. Help me to suffer in you and know there is an award. If I have to be lonely, I ask that the Holy Ghost be my comfort, my strength, and my faith. God renew my mind and my walk with you. Guide me every step of the way. Send down your anointing and our direction/instructions today God. Help me to seek your light in my time of darkness. Let me not be deceive by this world and by people. Let me not lust after this world but I ask for more of you in my life. I love you Jesus. I am strong. I am strong. I am strong. Through you I can do all things. I love you God, you're my way maker. 
In Jesus Name, Amen. 

Break every chain. Break every yoke.

- Courage Man

P.S.
In you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. ~ Psalm 25:2-3-6

But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. ~ Micah 7

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. ~ 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. ~ Hebrews 10:23 

How It Should Be

This is what I am trying to become:

I Went on a Search to Become a Leader

---Anonymous---

 (as it should be...)

I went on a search to become a leader. I searched high and low.

I spoke with authority; people listened.  But alas, there was one who was

wiser than I, and they followed that individual.

I sought to inspire confidence, but the crowd responded, "Why should I trust

you?"  I postured, and I assumed that look of leadership with a countenance

that flowed with confidence and pride, but many passed me by and never

noticed my air of elegance.

I ran ahead of the others, pointed the way to new heights.  I demonstrated

that I knew the route to greatness.  And then I looked back, and I was alone.

"What shall I do?" I queried.  "I've tried hard and used all that I know."  And

I sat down and pondered long.

And then, I listened to the voices around me.  And I heard what the group

was trying to accomplish.  I rolled up my sleeves and joined in the work.

As we worked, I asked, "Are we all together in what we want to do and how

to get the job done?"  And we thought together, and we fought together, and

we struggled towards our goal.

I found myself encouraging the fainthearted.  I sought ideas of those too shy

to speak out.  I taught those who had little skill.  I praised those who worked

hard.  When our task was completed, one of the group turned to me and said,

"This would not have been done but for your leadership."

At first, I said, "I didn't lead.  I just worked like the rest."  And then I

understood, leadership is not a goal.  It's a way to reaching a goal.

I lead best when I help others to go where we've decided to go.  I lead best

when I help others to use themselves creatively.  I lead best when I forget

about myself as leader and focus on my group...their needs and their goals.

To lead is to serve...to give...to achieve together.

- Courage Man

To Risk

Before we were dismissed today, the director of MPE read to us a poem and I thought it was so beautiful.
Had to share it on my blog!

"To Risk"

by William Arthur Ward


To laugh is to risk appearing a fool,
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.

To reach out to another is to risk involvement,
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.

To place your ideas and dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss.

To love is to risk not being loved in return,
To live is to risk dying,
To hope is to risk despair,
To try is to risk failure.

But risks must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing.

He may avoid suffering and sorrow,
But he cannot learn, feel, change, grow or live.

Chained by his servitude he is a slave who has forfeited all freedom.

Only a person who risks is free.

The pessimist complains about the wind;

The optimist expects it to change;


And the realist adjusts the sails.

- Courage Man

Mi Vida (Love, Friends, Me)

Day 2 at Holy Cross..
...Day 1 of MPE training. Exhausted but learned a lot and really enjoyed my time. Despite the fact that I missed church :(. But I don't think I have the energy to continue writing...so for now good night. I have so much on my mind and so much to say about these last few days. God is good. 

- Courage Man

Hi, I'm a Blogger.

I feel the need to go on another fast in blogging everyday for the next week. It should be interesting since I am moving back to Holy Cross in less than 24 hours for MPE training.
May God keep reigning in my life and be with me wherever I am.

- Courage Man

I Love You God.

Since the last time I have blogged..my summer has taken an interesting turn. A very wide and rocky turn, to be exact.
I am moving back to school in one day, so these last 16 days been work, church, and seeing a LOT of people. I been so caught up in some moments that my prayer life, I must admit, has been unstable.
I must also admit that these last 16 days I have done things that I was not proud of. I have fell into the most ridiculous places. Fell into a temp infatuation with a boy. Have still yet packed for Holy Cross....
Couple of hours ago I was overwhelmed, sad, stress, and broken.
I knew the Holy Ghost was telling me to pray and to talk to the Lord.
But all I wanted to do was dwell in the situation and be angry with myself. But I thank God for His mercy and for giving me the mind to open my bible to Psalm 69. After I finish reading it...I was led to my prayer alter in my closet and on my knees once again...crying out to God.
Through my tears and my prayer...I found my desire for God once again...I mean for ONLY God.
To fall more in love with Him than anyone one/friend/or boy.
When you call out His name from your heart and from the depth of your soul...somehow everything fades away. The pain...the circumstances...the mistakes...the people...nothing else matter anymore at that moment..but being with God...praising His name...thanking Him...making your request known to Him...allowing Him to listen to your heart....listen to your request through the Hallelujahs and Thank You Jesus. He hears what you need in between the breaths that you take from calling His name.
I believe and I know...no matter where I am...how I fell...what I did...God is able to still pick me back up. God still loves me..and it is not over. If anything He can use the circumstances and the failures to glorify Himself...to lead you into a bigger blessing.
I am aware also that the Enemy attempts to take advantage of those times to hinder my relationship with God. But you must hold on and put on the whole armor of God. Nothing can take me away from Jesus. He is for me. He is mine. The Blood of Jesus against the lies, deceptions, and the traps. The Blood of Jesus against Satan.
As I was praying...God placed two passages in my heart/mind:

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace. Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; And for me, that utterance may be given unto me, that I may open my mouth BOLDLY, to make known the mystery of the gospel. 
                                                                                                Ephesians 6:10-19

Brethen, I count not myself to have apprehended; but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. Let us therefore as many as be perfect be thus minded: and if in any thing ye be otherwise minded, God shall reveal even this unto you.
                                                                                               Philippians 3:13-15

God is so merciful and He is able to do all things. I will keep my eyes on Him and on the prize. Keep fighting, persevere, and I will press my way through this season. Stay encourage.
I love Him so much.

- Courage Man

x/3

This summer would not be ranked as the top 5 best summer experience of anybody's list. But truly this summer was def. a time to reflect and grow closer to God.

As I am writing this blogpost in the kitchen, my sister is in her room watching the Ellen Degeneres Show and my mom is in the living room catching up with her chinese dramas.

It hurts me because no matter how close my family may be, there seem to be a division.
We're so use to doing our own thing and I understand that you can't expect us to spend every moment together...I mean we already live in the same house for 10+ years! We're comfortable and we're use to it.

I hate the reference, YOLO (you only live once) but at the sametime it is true. We only live once...and before I die and go to heaven I don't want to live with any regret that I didnt spend enough time with my family.
God forbid...I don't want to lose a immediate family member thinking about all the things we could've done together.

I feel so heavy and hurt how I treated my family. I admit, I always put them second. I always placed friends and other things before them and I thank God for a family that doesnt hold it against me. But I am holding it against myself right now.
I thought about my high school graduation how instead of going out to eat with my family after the ceremony. I decided to celebrate it with my church family...it may not seem wrong but when I look back at it...I just think, "WHO DOES THAT!?" Who just ditches their family?
This moment is one out of so many times I have done this to my family. Placing their needs and their times after everyone else.
I am sorry that it took me 19 years to realize how important family is. And how I may be a horrible sister/daughter. But I just pray God will change me to be a more loving sister and a more obedient daughter that honors my parents. Pray God will change the dynamic of my family and bring us closer.

I want to be able to love them and spend as much time as I can with them on this earth before we're all gone.

 I love my family so much. And if anyone knows the real me...it would be them. They had to go through all my wrath and shortcomings...they had to suffer the consequences with the mistakes that I have made. I thank God that despite of who I am and everything that have happened that they stayed by my side and supported me in everything that I do. We may not be a perfect family or the Brady Bunch but I am forever grateful. It may sound cliche but there are some people who don't have a family...who never experience that familial love. Those who grew up without a father, a mother, or both. I'm just glad what God has given me and I just pray that He will have His way on my family. I lay it all in my Father's hand. 

- Courage Man