Satisfied

The moment when you're walking with a slice of pizza in your hand at night...with snowflakes falling from the sky...and you look up at the moon and all your worries are washed away...you stare up at the stars...not knowing what is beyond the darkness...and smile.

The moment when your by yourself and smile.

The moment when you see changes arising in your life and smile.

Despite all my thoughts, all the changes, all the damages, all the mistakes, all the questions...it is these moments where I am satisfy with God.

It is when I'm by myself I understand that I'm not alone.
Moments when I want to doubt or when I want to let people or pain take over my life...is where I feel God close... it is when I feel so satisfy just knowing God. It is when I feel Him reassuring me that He will take care of it...where He reminds me He is able.

God is so real...He never fails...He never forsaken, He never stops...it's not over...

Reminder: Go through the fire. It's not over yet! Every thought, mistake, pain, confusion, and doubt...He is able to fix it. Don't stop rejoicing! Stay positive. Stay Happy and Don't Give Up.

- Courage Man

P.S.

Thanking God for another year to give THANKS! Our church Thanksgiving Dinner was a success. There were so many joy and fellowship. Laughters and unity. So glad to be part of the Fellowship Mission Family.

Update on 11/24/2011 BTW Happy Belated Birthday to my BFFL! Yayayay

Inspiration, Motivation, and Direction

A text message....papers to write....lunch at Kimball....

...Lord, I know I'm not always right and I know I'm not perfect. I know I have messed up but please fix it...have mercy...and please help me get through this week with positivity, love, and strength.

A song introduced by a friend that really spoke to me.

Awakening - Hillsong United

"[Verse 1:]

In our hearts Lord
In this nation
Awakening

[Verse 2:]
Holy Spirit
We Desire
Awakening

[Chorus:]
For You and You alone
Awake my soul
Awake my soul and sing

For the world You love
Your will be done
Let Your will be done in me

[Verse 3:]
In Your presence
In Your power
Awakening
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/h/hillsong_united/awakening.html ]
[Verse 4:]
For this moment
For this hour
Awakening

[Bridge:]
Like the rising sun that shines
From the darkness comes a light
I hear Your voice say
This is my awakening

Like the rising sun that shines
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing

From the darkness comes a light
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing

Only You can raise a life
Awake my soul
Awake my soul to sing"

Reminders: Just keep on praying, Don't stop. Don't get wary.

- Courage Man

Renewal

I have been so busy doing work there don't seem to be anytime to blog. Sadly what I notice is when I spend more time hiding in the library and not blogging, I forget to live. I become a machine producing papers after papers.

Lately I have found myself speeding through everything. I was going to walk by a group of people I knew from one of my club. If they have never called my name I would have not stop to say hi. Which reminded me how I need to pause sometimes and reflect and stop avoiding people.

Must remember to smile and stop to say hello to people!

- Courage Man

St. Augustine Confession

"I felt that I was still the captive of my sins, and in my misery I kept crying, 'How long shall I go on saying 'tomorrow, tomorrow'?' Why not now? Why not make an end of my ugly sins at this moment?"

- St. Augustine, Confessions

Moving Forward

Final Draft for Essay 2 (English) CHECK

English Article and Respond CHECK

40 pages of reading for Philosophy LOADING...

10 pages of Women and Gender Studies + 5 page article LOADING...

There was always this person who will yell at me for getting so distracted and not doing work. They tried to motivate me to keep going inbetween the yellings. I miss that voice. It's these late nights like right now where I'm by myself in the study room doing work where I miss that voice the most. But I learned to focus and keep pushing myself forward...if they only knew they would be so proud! Hahas.

- Courage Man

10/21/2011

Questions of the day: How do you become an affectionate person? And what does it mean to be an affectionate person?

Seeds Blossoming

I was looking through a friend's blog. I found some surprising posts and pictures that involves me in it.

Pictures from my high school play and leadership roles that I was involve back at JQUS.

Questions that I have asked this friend which have been forgotten until now.

Though I have only been an official college student roughly for about a month and a half. Looking through the pictures...I really miss high school.

I miss the familiar faces the comfort and intimacy I had with this school.

JQUS is not perfect, there were also many bad memories mix in the soup. But this school shaped me to be the young woman I am today.

It was JQUS where I met my mentors, my pastor/church, and my friends.

It was the place where I spend most of my time and effort.

I miss JQUS so much. As I thought more in depth about my high school. Some regrets arise and somethings I wish I did better in.

I wish I was more outgoing.

I wish I was more outspoken.

I wish I took the time to get to know some people better.

I wish I worked harder.

I don't know am I being too hard on myself. But I know in our everyday walk when we look back we always wish we could do something different. Sadly though we can't change what has been done. But be thankful that today marks a new opportunity and another chance to try again.

I can't change the High School Mandy. But maybe I can do something different about College Mandy.

I hope today I will be more outrageous, loud, happy, and to stop holding back.

To stop feeling intimidated and stop letting that little voice inside saying, "That's crazy! No way can I do that!"

I hope to start saying more, "Yes I will." "Yes I can."

That reminds me of one of my favorite quote:

"Courage does not always ROAR! Sometimes it is a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'" -----> And that is what I'm trying today.

Coming to Holy Cross was not the easiest thing. There were moments where I hated this school and had a dislike also for the people. I felt socially outcasted. I felt academically unprepared. So many times I wanted to turn back, pack up my bags and go back to Boston. I hated Worcester. I hated the changes. I hate not being able to just take the train to Galleria or Copley or Downtown. I miss the city life so much. I miss walking to school having to take several buses to get there. But I learn to embrace the changes. The changes taught me to cherish my city even more. And without changes in our lives...we can't grow.

....As I continue to explore my friend's blog. I came upon a post about me asking the question about, "inner beauty." It took me by surprise because I forgot that even hindered me before. My thoughts again took me back into my memories. About my low self-esteem on my outer appearances. When I first started transiting my life toward God. Giving up my make up, earrings, and other accessories. All the material thing that made me felt so beautiful and confident. It was that moment in my life when I felt the most ugly. It was the pressure seeing my other friends wearing make up and other trends that was in season. It was the jealousy I had for a particular friend where I saw her outshining me. This was not something I really shared with anyone during that time. One reason having to be I was ashame to be even having those thoughts and how I was in denial in hating on others for looking more beautiful. And the yearning I had to go back to that life style. But I tried to focused on how God sees me and the inner beauty within me. Looking back now I don't know when I stopped caring or when it stop phasing me. I can say now those things doesn't matter to me anymore. There are moments of course where I look in the mirror and wish I had clearer skin, tanner or whiter teeth. But all of those are wishful thinking. (Hehe!)

I'm satisfy how I look and I'm satisfy in the way that I dress.

There is so much things that I use to worry about which seem so small now. Reading my friend's blog make me realize how much I have grown as a young woman and how far God has taken me. Seeing how He carried me putting new things in my heart. And the deliverances and blessings He has put in my life.

I hope to keep growing more mature mentally and spiritually.

Knocking down those doors today not fearing what's behind it!

- Courage Man

Another Day Unfold 10/19/2011

Highlights Of My Day

- 2 Midterms DONE

- Chai Tea

- Overcoming a Text

- Black Student Union Fashion Show Audition

- Prayers

"No. 26! It's your turn!"

Catwalks and modeling is out of my character. I don't know what came over me in trying out.

...Me and my 2 inch heel going down the "mini" platform...pose...then walk back.

It was not something I was really comfortable with but lately I been willing to try new things.

Thanking my roommate and friends for helping me with my walk before the audition! #Yayay

Me and my roommate have been up since 6 am but still we are full of energy right now.

Thanking God for helping me getting through today with 2 Midterms and other stuffs in between that had to get done. Truly today every hour was spent wisely and productively. From the help of some pomegranate green tea and chai!

There never seem to be a pause button. You just have to go with the flow.

Prayer tonight was wonderful and very insightful. It did not go the way how it usually does but that was where the spirit led us and I'm grateful.

Usually we have a opening prayer, a scripture/testimony, prayer, closing prayer.

I had already prepared a scripture from Ecclesiastes 3:1-11...but instead today we started with testimony before reading the word...and somehow it broke into a long discussion. Everyone was sharing their stories and the lessons they have learned from their walk with God.

Standing there all I could do was take in what was being said...drowning in the goodness and the unity God has put in that moment. Before you know...we were talking for an hour in our prayer group...all related back to Ecclesiastes 3:1-11.

It's amazing how God operates...and I'm just speechless.

I am learning so much from others in the prayer group and they are also helping me learn more about myself.

After prayers someone said something to me....which made me felt so happy...and unworthy at the sametime.

...The lyrics from The Only Thing by Ronnie Freeman that goes "The only thing that's good in me is Jesus." fits perfectly in my reaction from their comment.

Everytime when I ask God to be glorify in my life, MY interpretation from this request was having people see something different in me from afar. But tonight I learned that is not how God is glorify...or at least that is not how He is using me right now.

It's the people who are close to you that needs to see God being glorify in your life.

If the people who are close can't see...how do you expect strangers to see as well?

When those words came out of my friend's lips...in wanting to change their life...from what they saw in me...from what they have been feeling in the prayer group.

Inside I was so happy and excited for them that they have come to this conclusion. But inside I also wanted to break down and get on my knees and say it's not me. All the glory goes back to God...I am just a tool...I'm not worthy at all....

It was the first time I really felt God being glorify in my life...and reminds me you don't know who is watching your life...

I thank her for her honesty...I thank her because she encourage me also the be friendlier.. when I don't want to. To be a nicer and warmer person to others....

I'm so thankful to God for making it this far...and I'm going to keep on going...no matter what.

I remember a sister said in church on Sunday, "I'm not letting anything get in the way in what God has for me."

Prayer: Lord God I'm thankful for another day just to breathe and smile on this earth not by myself but with your presence near and with friends accompanying me. I'm thankful because I have made it this far with you and I know it's just the beginning. As I sit here on this cold floor...in my residential hall...I look around and think, "Look what the Lord have done!" Sometimes I can't believe I'm at Holy Cross...or even in college...though I always knew I wanted to go to college...you had a different plan for me. Never would I have known about a prayer group. Never would I have known the plans you had for me here...I still don't know the whole game plan but it's ok. Never would I have known my worth in your eyes. God help me to rely on you even more tomorrow. I'm out of words on how amazing you are. I can't describe how much I need you each day. I don't know what else to say but THANK YOU...and feel my heart. This is my prayer. I love you Jesus. Help me to fall more in love with you each day. This is my desire. Amen.

- Courage Man

YES! It's happening again!

I will be dedicating a week of blogging again. :) Good exercise and a way to track down the memories.

- Courage Man

Tie up, Wrap Up, Tangle Up

I am grateful for being pulled and pressured in doing things I don't want to do. Sometimes you just need a little push and a little tug to help you move forward.

If it wasn't for some friends forcing me to join intramural soccer I would have never known the love I had for the game (even though I still suck).

I'm glad today (well yesterday) someone encouraged me to go to a interview where I had second thoughts about.

But what she said was true:

"Well if you don't go you'll never know the results. BUT if you do go your only losing 20 mins of your time and WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT CHANGE YOUR LIFE! MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT TO BE A SOCIOLOGY MAJOR ANYMORE you want to CHANGE IT TO SOMETHING ELSE AND OPEN YOUR OWN COMPANY AND BECOME CEO!"

^ I laughed at her enthusiasm.

Overdramatic but very true. You never know if you don't try. And you really don't know if it's going to change your life.

So I'm glad I did not go with my feelings and fears but instead went with some guts and faith.

The interview turned out really well...now all I can do is wait and know if it's for me it's for me.

POSITIVE OUTLOOK!

I'm thankful for God for reminding me to keep pressing. Thankful for friends. Thankful for silly comments because they matter and they may have the biggest impact on your day.

Overall today was packed with productivity and effort (also those random moments with friends in between).

I'M SO HAPPY! I received a A on my first Women and Gender Studies paper. Really excited and def. encouraged. YAYAYAY!

Vacation is over and it's back to work. A packed week with midterms and papers...but it's ok.

Going to allow to be pull and push myself a little further.

Reminder: It's just a little rain. Go through the wilderness! (Scorpions and Snakes)

- Courage Man

P.S. 5 MORE POST till I reach my 100 post! Sorry it took so long but at least I made it this far! YAYAYAY

MercyMe - Bring The Rain

This song really describes how I feel about the Lord right now.

Enjoy ~

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
( From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/m/mercyme-lyrics/bring-the-rain-lyrics.html )
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

- Courage Man

Trust Falls

October Break is in a few days. Still have some studying and a paper to write. Can't wait to see what my mini break has in store for me.

As I'm laying here on my aqua rug (freezing to death...) I can't stop thinking about where I am going.

There are still somethings in my life that I'm not sure am I suppose to let go right now.

One thing that has been on my mind is trust falls!

The purpose of a trust fall is to fall backward trusting your partner will catch you.

I thought about how to really let go and trust that God will be there to catch me....that is something I'm still trying to do.

Letting go of the railing...not looking down at how high up I am. Closing my eyes and fall...

Letting go of my thoughts, my emotions, my dreams, and my ideas.

Just keep on going...

- Courage Man

Update 1:06 am: I am finally allowing myself to fall.

Current Song: Love Them Like Jesus - Casting Crown

As I'm sitting here in the campus coffee shop with my headphone plugged in and with my philosophy homework done.

Blogging seems appropriate. :)

Never mind...bad thing about being in the Coffee shop you always bump into someone. -.-

Goals

To love unconditionally & to be Fearless.

WHERE IS COURAGE MAN!?

I ask myself the same question. Where is Courage Man?

One thing for sure...Courage Man is not in Boston anymore but lives in the wonderful quiet Worcester.

These last two months transitioning to college has been really bittersweet. There has been many moment of doubts, frustration, and confusion. Many time where she felt very overwhelm. But being at Holy Cross for almost 2 months through it all, she has learned a lot. She has learned more about herself and learned more about her relationship with God.

Everything may not be perfect but I'm grateful for everything that is happening.

Grateful for the new friends, the classes, and the people back home who loves me.

What I learned the most is that distance is good. Distance teaches us how to value everything more. How we value people, family, and where we come from more. Being away from home...I feel my relationship with some people has been better because were so far away...we try our best to stay in contact and the distance make looking forward to each other that more exciting. It has also taught me to love my city even more. I never knew how much of a Bostonian girl I was till I came here.

OH YEAH! Who knew I was ever going to do a intramural sport, SOCCER was never on my bucketlist, but I'm loving it so much (even if I do suck!)

But I hope to return in the habit of blogging even though theres so much more to do (and I thought high school was bad.)

So until next time...keep smiling and keep rejoicing. Pray! Pray! Pray!

Stay Happy :)

- Courage Man

Evidence Not Seen

It's 12:42 am right now which makes it July 19, 2011 which means in about 12 days I will be leaving my beloved city Boston and into Worcester and starting the Passport Program at Holy Cross.

Am I ready? Don't think I can ever be mentally ready. For now I'm taking everything in, cherishing all the friends I see and cherishing every moment I have before then.

Sounds like the end of the world. HAH! Def. not..I just feel like after this, life will not be the same.

With everyone going to different places in the Fall, it will just never be the same. We can't just meet up at

Copley at 4 pm anymore. Or go out to eat at TGI Friday's on the weekends. Little do

we know everyone lives will slowly change. Though I'm aware of this...it still havent emotionally hit me and at the sametime I'am expecting the changes (notice how I never said ready.)

-------------

There was something that was on my mind for a while...and the thought grew as I was driving home earlier.

If I could test my faith and trust in God...how far will I go?

I'm not doubting my relationship with Him at all...because I can never deny my God nor His love and existence in my life.

As I was reading about Darlene Deibler Rose story/memoir, Evidence Not Seen. A young missionary who became a prisoner during the World War II, abused, tortured, husband gone. She could have died in the prison cell never seeing light again but she never doubted the presence of God and continue to pray until something miraculous happen.

Or

The Book, If I Perish about the author Ahn E. Sook refusing to bow to the pagen of Japanese Shrines was sentence to a Japanese prison, left there to died. But instead because she was faithful to God. She won many people in the prison to Christ.

I know that these stories are rare and are true testimonies of God's power and faithfulness but at the sametime I must be REALISTIC and know that these extreme circumstance does not necessary apply to me and my walk with God.

But I can't help to think...what if it was me in their shoes?

How would I react? What would I do? Will I have given up, just befriend the walls in the prison cell and wait to

died?

....Who knows.

I do not want to say in confidence that I would have done the same thing as these two women has done.

But I dare not say that I would have easily given up and deny the power of God...or even turn away.

What I learn from this reflection and something I kind of always knew from the back of my head is that GREAT faith and trust takes a lot of suffering and a lot of pain. But God knows what we can endure.

At this moments I just want ask God to put more of those in my spirit.

But I can't only pray and ask God for more faith and trust..expecting it would automatically be given. He don't just GIVE it to me...but sometimes He will put things in my life that requires of me to have these two elements in order to make it through. It IS going to hurt sometimes, it WILL be hard to see a way out especially when you feel like a prisoner to whatever is tying you down.

But like these two women, Ahn Sook and Diebler Rose, they were able to defeat death when it seemed so close.

If everything was always sunshine and rainbows. How can we ever witness God's true power. why would we then need faith or trust?

It's in our most desperate times and when were at our dead ends, is where we become closer to God and know ONLY HE can fix it.

It's during those times esp. in our storms and struggles when our faith and trust is really activated.

"....for when I am weak, then am I strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10

I spend a great majority of time with a great friend today. I thank God for her..thank God for her strength. And I especially thank Him for healing and prospering my friendship with this particular someone. Having the mind to love, forgive, and untangling some misunderstandings.

Tonight I feel like I gotten an insight of their life...usually I would gaze and admire their walk and what they been through.

But it was different...tonight I was just a listener and I let all the stories seep into my mind letting it rest there.

I would usually be admiring Ahn Sook and Diebler Rose experience with the mighty God.

- But I don't. I have great respect for these two writers and my friend. It is not the route where God has put me on.

I don't know the feeling of losing a love one.

I don't know the feeling of having a miscarriage.

I don't know how it feels to be an alcoholic.

I don't know how it feels to be physically abuse.

I have none of these crisis. But that doesnt mean my walk with God is false. Just because I never had any of those problems doesnt mean there weren't anytime where I really needed God and had to truly lean on Him for guidance. I'm 18 right now...and I don't down the road what I'm going to experience or when I'm going to have to face those things.

But I'm 18 and I'm still building my relationship with Him. I'm not ashame of who I'am and who I'm becoming.

I'm not ashame of my mistakes...because I have repent and acknowledge that I need Him.

I'm not ashame of my experience.

Prayer: God you know the measurement of my faith and trust in you. God, you're a spirit and I pray that you continue to live in me use my body as a living temple. I pray God that you will draw closer to me. I want to be surrounded by your presence that no one will see anymore of me. God my thoughts are not your thoughts. I pray wherever you take me, whatever mountain you will put in my life that you send me great faith and trust in you, to get through it. I'm thankful for the people you have put in my life. I'm thankful that you have given me the mind to continue to seek your ways and your understanding. God I want to learn to love you even more. To be excited each morning when I wake up knowing that you never left. God help me grow to be an influential christian woman. I acknowledge that what I see how I feel has nothing to do with what your doing in my life. The evidence of you is unseen but it's real and in due time you will reveal yourself. I pray and I YEARN to be closer to you God so much. Have your way on my life only you can.

In Jesus Name.

- Courage Man

Summer 2011

It has been over a year now since I had this blog. I'm so proud that I stuck with it! ...Even though there were phases here and there where I pressed pause.

I hope to continue this blog and discipline myself in writing and reflecting on boring/interesting events that happens in my life.

I'm HOPING to get a new camera soon so I can snap some memories. But I was never a big fan of taking pictures or being in pictures. Lets see how that works out.

As my summer at State Street is going to come to an end soon and the doors to

the Passport Program at Holy Cross begins...I hope to spend more time meeting new people and trying to keep this blog alive as much as possible.

#ICanDoIt

- Courage Man

PS:

What I'm also trying to learn aside from commitment to the Courage Man B

log; is to not be ASHAME on what I have wrote and not to be ashamed of myself. I had always hated reading my own writing just because I know that I'm weak in the grammar department and also I always feel like I sound dumb.

But that is the whole point in having this blog...is to see the changes in my life and learning to improve ( and there is always room for that.)

#HatersGonnaHate!

Brighter Day!

If I could paint, I would use the brightest yellow I can find, to paint a sunflower.

If I could sing, I would use the instrument in me to produce a beautiful song.

...But since I can't do any of that.

All I know how to do is SMILE!

I might regret it one day for smiling so much when I start seeing layers of wrinkles and crow feet.

I had a wonderful day with my beloved debate partner, Leroy making alfredo pasta with shrimp (NOM NOM NOM). Though I was no help in the kitchen (aside from undressing the shrimps) it was just fun have each other company.

I thank God for everyone who enters my life. Though it's sometimes sad to see some leave, a new door always opens and someone enters in.

I have known my debate partner for about 3-4 years, its amazing how a friendship can grow at the most randomest(is that even a word?) time. I was so desperate to get to know this kid (especially since he was my debate partner) it felt like a mission impossible movie. Just when I stop he bloom out of nowhere.

I love and appreciate everyone who's in my life. I don't believe that everyone who has entered into my life was an accident, even when it seem like they randomly stumble in. The most beautiful friendships are the ones that are unexpected.

I pray God will continue to put more wonderful people in my life, even if He has to stick out His leg to make them trip into my life unintentionally.

- Courage Man

Hold On.

What heals pain?

I have found myself trying to aid all my heart aches and all my struggles with something...but they were all just temporary. None of them can fully heal what is in the inside.

I have found myself saying so many times, "I'm done."

I'm done with people, I'm done with my struggles, I'm just DONE. DONE! DONE! DONE!

No more..no way.

Even right this moment...I just want to smack my hand down on a table and say it's official...I dont want to deal with anything or anyone anymore. The anger boil in me wants to burst out and let everything gush out of me.

But each time...each time when I do want to let go. I always find God's grace keeping me. Theres always just a small..peak...a size of a mustard seed of God presence with me. Everytime when I want to walk away and say it's over God...I don't want this anymore...I don't want to walk this narrow path anymore...somehow it was always Him that kept me.

Theres always something stopping me and always He that is casting His care and love towards me. It might be the smallest thing...but it still something.

Like Psalm 139 says Whiter shall I go from thy spirit or whiter shall I flee from they presence? If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there if I make my bed in hell behold, tho art there.

No matter where I go God still there and I can never...even if I wanted to...ever deny His existence in my life.

All I can do is breathe in...breathe out...Pray and Hold on.

P.S.

I thank Him for the car He has bless me with. Even in my lowest time He still blesses Me esp. when I really don't deserve it. At first I thought there was no way it's God's doing. But when my dad told me the full story of purchasing the car. With the credit and everything being cover...I knew then.

Everytime when I'm in a financial crisis... not sure how I'm going to have enough money for offering or everything in between. He always come on time and bless with something to give...or bless me with a fat paycheck.

It's so easy for God to bless with the materials and financial things. But it's so much harder for Him to get through to us when we harden our head and heart.

Courage Man, please Hold on. And to anybody out there who's reading this blog...and feels like they have walked into a dead end...please Hold On too. God is faithful.

- Mandy Lam

An Article I encounter

If God is Good, Why is there Evil and Suffering?

by Michael Horner

---

There is no question that the world is filled with an appalling amount of evil and suffering. We are impacted by this reality every day on all levels: emotional, intellectual and practical. As such, it is not surprising that people have a difficult time reconciling this harsh reality with the idea of an all good, all powerful God.

According to Peter Kreeft and Ronald K. Tacelli’s Handbook of Christian Apologetics, the problem can be summed up by the apparent contradiction between the following four propositions: 1) God exists 2) God is all good 3) God is all powerful 4) Evil exists (Kreeft and Tacelli 1994: 129). If we affirm any three of these propositions, it seems we must reject the fourth. For example, if we accept that God exists, is all good and that evil exists, we must reject the idea that God is all powerful, otherwise He would put a stop to evil. Or, if God exists and is all powerful and yet evil also exists, then God must not be all good, because He wills or allows evil to exist.

Kreeft and Tacelli suggest five possible responses to this problem.

• Atheism solves the problem by denying proposition one, that God exists.
• Pantheism, the belief that God is everything and that everything is God, denies proposition two and allows that God could be both good and evil.
• Polytheism, the belief in many gods, denies proposition three, and reduces God to just one of many gods.
• Idealism, the belief that reality is a product of the mind, rejects proposition four and states that evil is just an illusion.
• Christianity, on the other hand, affirms all four principles and denies that there is any inherent contradiction between them.

How is the Christian solution possible? Because it is always feasible that God could have a good reason for permitting evil; a reason of which we are not aware. And as long as this is logically possible, there is no contradiction between the existence of an all good, all powerful God and the existence of evil. Just because we may not be able to figure out what that reason is does not mean it does not exist.

However, God has not left us completely in the dark. This world is clearly not the best of all logically possible worlds, but it is the best world God could create given His commitment to create genuinely free creatures like us. Free creatures are the only beings who can love and experience love. Since one of God’s main purposes in creating us was to have a reciprocal love relationship with us, God created the best of all actually achievable worlds. God cannot make people freely choose to good or freely love Him. If He makes them do it, they are not free. If they are genuinely free, then He can’t make them do it. That would be a contradiction. Therefore, the possibility of free creatures choosing evil is not something God can control without eliminating free will. And a free will is not just a nice addendum on human nature, it is an integral part of who we are. This being the case, if God were to eliminate evil, He would also be eliminating free will. And in doing so, God would be perpetrating the most horrendous evil of all: the annihilation of the human race.

Moreover, God has done something about the problem of evil and suffering.

For most people the problem of evil is not an intellectual problem, but an emotional one. They want to know why God allows evil and suffering. When they can’t get a satisfactory answer, they become angry. They don’t like a God who would permit them or others to suffer. This is not an atheism of refutation, but of rejection. A child who is hurting needs reassurance, not an intellectual explanation. Atheism cannot supply this reassurance. It does not reduce suffering one bit-it just removes hope. In an atheistic universe, there is no ultimate accountability or justice. Evil people will get away with what they’ve done. But in the Christian worldview, God has done something about evil in the person of Jesus Christ. He does not just say, “Okay, I created you. Now prepare to suffer!” He has given us a clue, a deposit, a down payment that He does have good reasons for allowing evil and that He does have a greater good in store. By appearing in human form, He showed us that we could trust Him. And what did He do while He was here? He suffered!

Jesus endured a suffering beyond all comprehension. He bore the punishment for the sins of the entire world! For all the evil that everyone of us from the beginning of our species has perpetrated, He paid the penalty. None of us can comprehend that suffering. Though he was innocent, He voluntarily took upon Himself the punishment we deserve. And why? Because He loves us. It is like He was saying, “I know you don’t understand why I permit every evil. It’s not possible for you to understand yet. But just to show you that you can trust me, I’m going to suffer with you.”

When we comprehend his sacrifice and love for us, it puts the problem of evil in an entirely different perspective. We see clearly that the true problem of evil is the problem of our evil. Filled with sin and guilt before God, the question we face is not how God can justify himself to us, but how we can be justified before Him. And it is through Christ’s payment for our evil by his death on the cross that we can be justified before God. Through Him we have forgiveness.

Many Christians will also testify that Christ provides inner resources to cope in the midst of difficulty and suffering. He promises that He causes all things to work together for good to those who love God (Romans 8:28).

Ultimately, He promises victory over death, the ultimate evil. Those who genuinely choose to accept and receive his forgiveness will rise from the dead with a transformed, immortal, imperishable body to be with him forever (1 Corinthians 15:42, 52). Death, pain and suffering have been dealt a fatal blow; they have suffered a crucial defeat.

So paradoxically, God is not banished because of the problem of evil, rather God himself is the solution.

Psalm 139

As I was reading Psalm 139:14-15:

I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made:marvelous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well.

My substance was not hid from thee, when I was made in secret, and curiously wrought in the lowest parts of the earth

I think sometimes I get so caught up in observing and watching other people walk with God. That I forget I too am special in the Lord.

Sometimes it's hard to see ...or even believe God loves..me? God see something good in me?

It's silly but it's pretty mind blowing! It's something I'm still trying to work and devour.

Time to buckle down!

Get FOCUS and seek Him even more!

Searching for His PURPOSE and WILL!

PRAYER: Lord I thank you for loving me. Even though sometimes I can't feel you, sometimes I don't turn my head to you. Forgive me God for my stubbornness. God I thank you because your still so faithful to me! It is hard to believe that someone as HOLY as you, someone that could've chose anyone would pick someone like ME! God during this time I just pray you help me to see myself in a new light. Not in pride or arrogance but to see myself the way you see me. God help me to accept that I'am special, I'am blessed, and I'am truly loved by YOU God. Help me not to adore or idolized others in their walk but RECEIVE and know I can have the same thing. God I love you sooo much it bring tears to my eyes cause I can never EVER repay you for this love. I love you so much God because I'm SO grateful that you LOVE me more than I can EVER know or bare. Help me to love you more, help me to be closer to you. I know this walk is narrow but God be my strength when the path gets hard. Don't walk pass me or let go of me. Help me to have even MORE faith in you! I want to continue to fight and be a prayer warrior in your kingdom.

In Jesus Name, Amen <3

Inspiration

When I say, "I am a Christian"

by Carol Wimmer

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I'm not shouting, "I’ve been saved!"
I'm whispering, "I get lost!
That's why I chose this way".

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I don't speak with human pride
I'm confessing that I stumble -
Needing God to be my guide

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I'm not trying to be strong
I'm professing that I'm weak
And pray for strength to carry on.

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I'm not bragging of success
I'm admitting that I've failed
And cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I don't think I know it all
I submit to my confusion
Asking humbly to be taught.

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I'm not claiming to be perfect
My flaws are all too visible
But God believes I'm worth it.

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I still feel the sting of pain
I have my share of heartache,
Which is why I seek His name.

When I say, "I am a Christian"

I do not wish to judge
I have no authority...
I only know I'm loved

Hear the silence

Its 5:09 am right now and I know I should be asleep. But again its the weekend. (Yay!)

For the longest time I said I would update...but to be honest. I think I'm just on a break right now.

Can't say everything lately has been great but I'm hanging there.

There's just somethings that I rather not blog. Which is between me and the Lord.

There's still so much I still havent fully understand about myself and my relationship with God. It's going to take my whole lifetime. But it's ok, I'm not alone.

At times I do feel lonely. Thinking about some friends who went their separate ways. Thinking about friends I have now but there are still distances. And everything in between. Sometimes I do feel disconnected from the world.

I was angry earlier laying on my bed for 3 hours watching t.v. I hated myself for wasting time doing nothing when I could've been doing homework, scholarships, or esp...cleaning my room. But I was not willing to. (I know I'm a brat)

I don't know why I was angry. Maybe because I was thinking of someone and just thinking about the disconnection from the world. I just thought how life seem so useless right that second. My body wanted to scream from all the stillness and the silence (that I felt inside) aside from the t.v.

I been feeling like this for a few days now.

But I thank God for His faithfulness.

I usually don't like to blog about the negativity in my life. But this feeling made me realize how much I don't understand God. How self-center I'am.

All those thoughts that I had never did I thought of God or acknowledged what He can do. I was so wrap up, so caught up with my emotions. I pushed Him aside.

When I finally turn my mind back to God...I seen two paths in my head. One path was where Jesus is, and the other path was with friends, with someone, and just with the world.

It's like suddenly it felt like, if God asked me to choose a path, which one will I choose.

Maybe the obvious answer would be, "God." But your flesh says another.

It took me that second to realize the answer will always be God.

People will come and go. The world will continue without me.

But with God it's forever. When I'm breathing He's here, when I'm dead He definitely be there too.

When I thought about God...I remember there was something to live for. For His purpose and to do His will.

I'm never alone, God is always with me. And well like my Pastor always say, I'm crazy enough willing to walk this life by myself with God. This world has nothing for me.

Prayer: God I love everything about you. It's going to take me eternity to really know you. God I don't want to live just because I have to. But I want to live a meaningful life for you that you may be glorify and that my relationship with you will be stronger. I pray through every circumstance, every situation, and every heart ache that you may be glorify during those times. Deliver me from all my strongholds. Captivate me with your love and grace. Forgive me God for my frustration, forgive me God for all those times I didnt want to turn to you when I was being hard headed. I welcome your spirit to work in me, guard my mind and heart. That you may prepare me to be use by you. God I love you. Fill me with your spirit, your understanding, and your wisdom. Have mercy onto me today.

In Jesus Name, Amen.

Reminder: It's Me and YOU Lord!

In Jesus there is life.

I'm not sure am I going to continue to blog, maybe after this season. Who knows but if it is, only temporary.

- Courage Man

Must practice patience!

Dedicated to Leroy Chan

I broke my promise in never making a twitter! Hopefully it is just a phase and I delete it.

There has been so many things happening these last few weeks. Just so promise.

I promise to blog again real soon!

- Courage Man

Ugly Duckling

Everyday as I reflect on myself. I'am far from worthy of my God.

He has been too good to me..and yet each day I feel like I have not live up to His expectation.

But of course we can't be perfect for He is perfect. Still no excuses.

Promises and reminders He has given me, yet at the time of trial, the time to place my faith and confidence in Him I'll get wary. Sometimes I let my emotion get in the way.

Talk is cheap.

...Just now I was extremely angry with my dad for destroying the cake I made for church.

I was angry not simply because he ruined it. But because of many other things that was included.

The cake seem absolutely ruined, it was ugly, pieces missing in random places.

At first I lost hold of my emotion. I letted myself be angry, rebellious, sad, just really emotional.

I thank my mom for her patience with me as I rant. She really helped and encouraged me.

It took me a while to calm down but I did...I went back to the kitchen and started working on the cake.

I don't know how it was possible but I managed to "fix" it up. And well..it doesnt look that bad anymore.

Just like the cake before knowing God...we were all dirty and ugly inside and out and even now we still feel like filth when we didn't glorify Him as we should've of. But by his grace and His love he slowly molds and shape us and cleanses us.

Thats how I felt when I saw the cake. No matter how much I mess up..EACH time God comes and picks me up off the ground. Brushes my knee, brushing ALL the dirt and make me like new again.

The cake may not be perfect but it doesn't look like there was anything wrong with it before.

I thank God for this reminder. No matter how much imperfection I see in myself, no matter how many times I mess up. God CHOOSE to see OVER all of that and continues to love me unconditionally.

What a mighty God. He is worthy of ALL my praise!

Lessons: To be more temperate

Reminders: God is always in control

"Let your conversation be without covetousness and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldy say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me." Hebrew 13:5-6

zzZzzZzzZzzz

This is me at the library trying to study for my cumulative vocab test this friday.

I wish I can blog more but I just seem to be so MIA lately. Quiescent and inert.

There just seems to be so much work to do but I must admit I have also been very distracted also. Whoever said Senior year was a year to respite was totally lying.

After getting into college, work don't just stop there. there still work to be done in finding scholarships, finishing up school, prom, work, everything! There's never an end but I'm not complaining. I'm committed in finishing my last year in high school STRONG! (Especially when there's only 1 more week in the 3rd term and so much work to make up and do!!! (Sigh why am I always cramming everything in the last min.) ) I can do it.

THINGS TO DO

- Blog more

- Read my bible more

- PRAY PRAY PRAY

- FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS

Reminders: Stay positive through all the STRESS!

:( I lost my tpass. (STAY POSITIVE!)

- Courage Man

BOND

Accepted to: 5 Schools

Waitlisted to: 3 Schools

Rejected to: 5 Schools

The old me would have beat myself down, my self-esteem would have dropped.

But I thank God for this new found confident and faith. I know everything is in His hands.

Thank Him for the awesome colleges that I did get into. I continue to seek Him for the schools that I'm waitlisted for and financial aid.

I learn this past few weeks to be still, I learn not to fear no more about tomorrow, I learn also not to care about what's happening currently but just be patient and rejoice in Him in all things!

My dad has been hoping for me to get into Brown. But I got rejected. I was not sad or disappointed at all but being the caring father he is...

he told me, "It's alright. I'm still so proud of you. GIVE ME A HUG! (comes and embraces me) I think you're so smart."

I love my dad because he has always put me and my sister first in everything. I love him because he's not like any other asian parent that would have been angry with me for not getting into the top colleges in the country.

I love him because at my time of needs he is there to encourage me sometimes not directly due to the "manly" image.

But guards down what he said touched me so much, it gave me a boost of confident.

That one gesture was more than enough.

I love you Daddy, thank you for everything.

- Courage Man

P.S.

I wish I can find more time to blog. But there's just so much to do.

Must get my head in the game!

Confession #1

I love my gmail!

Goals: TO PRESS FOR THE PRIZE!

Amazing!

Just recently made a SKYPE account. Pretty amazed right now with this new found program even though I told everyone I was not going to make one.

But I must admit it's pretty coolios. AIM seems to be old school now.

Though skype is cool I'm pretty overwhelm with all these new technology. Facebook, Gchat, Twitter, tumblr, Skype, now facetime.

It seems too much for me. I promise myself to never making a twitter. Facebook is enough for me. But thinking about all these technology I must cut down my time on these websites also.

---------------------

This week I have been feeling under the weather. Coughing and sneezing been accompanying me all week. But despite of that it has been great.

Celebrated our Pastor 40th birthday this Saturday. It was a blessing and it was just great spending time with my Fellowship Mission Family.

Afterwards went fellowshipping with my BELOVES! At boston bowl then Victoria Diner.

Sunday Service was on fire as usual. But there was such a strong anointing today in the Sanctuary.

It's not explainable.

Sometimes the most powerful feelings and most wonderful days cannot be transcribe into words.

As I'm blogging my day right now it sounds so plain but in reality it was so amazing.

Seeing God working in my life everyday.

Somethings just can't be explain...its all in your heart and in your memories.

Weekends like these are unforgettable. I won't forget what God has promise to do in my life.

I won't forget all the laughters and fellowships

I won't forget the talk I had in the car with someone.

I won't forget how AMAZING God is..EVER!

...something was lifted off my chest today after service. talking to a particular someone. I didnt know how to react when they came up to me to say what they needed to say...though things didn't go according to my PLANS.

I'm grateful God still worked it out.

I didn't have the confidence in facing them..... instead of me confronting to them they came to me.

I was upset at first just because i knew someone approach them for me...but as I sat there thinking...maybe that was meant to be.

Though I don't have the answers...I'm glad it is over with...

Through this specific situation...

I found out how no one would ever intentionally attempt to hurt me...

and I found out how much people do care about me that they would get upset and angry for me...I'm touch and grateful.

I give thanks to my all my family and friends.

And to my highest Honors of gratitude to my Love and Saviour, Jesus Christ.

Reminders: Godly Ambitious, I Believe God

- Courage Man

P.S When you don't know what to say, just call on His name.

POW!

At Prayers tonight I realize this season is hard for everybody. Some people have to go through health, strength, believe, financial crisis.... I realize I'm not alone...everyone struggles made mine seem so small but thats not the focus, I believe were all in this together.

God thank you for all the wonderful people in my life. I thank you for my Fellowship Mission Family, grateful for each and every saint. Help us to stay on one accord and continue to rejoice in you. Sanctify us and strengthen us through this storm. Let us not settle for less but continue to strive higher in You and your purpose. Purify my heart to learn to be giver and learn to love unconditionally just like you have despite what I feel and what I see. God I want to be made over again, put in the fire and let your holy hands MOLD me in your PERFECT image. God you're my strength and through you I can do ANYTHING! Discipline my flesh, help me to read your Word daily. Help me also to work on my OWN salvation and not look at others. I love you God, pray you will have your way today.

In Jesus Precious name, Amen

What I told a sister earlier and a message to myself: STAY ENCOURAGE & PRESS ON!

- Courage Man

"Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded" James 4:8

I had a really powerful prayer this morning. Where I felt really intimate to God like I have never did before. I felt like I was really honest to Him and finally address somethings in my life that I told Him before but never had I pour it whole in prayers.

It felt good like something was finally off my chest. I can't say everything has been good. There been its ups and downs.

Only God and I know but never really have I given up my situation to the Lord. And that was what I was lacking, talking to Him.

What goods are my thoughts? Wrestling with your emotions and your mind?

When I finally really prayed on it, I discover new things inside of me that was hidden which God already see but I havent.

The power of prayers is amazing.

After getting a taste this morning, I just want to be realer with God and to be closer to Him. He does not ask of me a fancy prayer. Or asking me to be conscious on what I pray on.

But just the truth.

I hope to be more honest to God, let Him have the whole of me and not hold back on my thoughts.

...........

This past Friday/Saturday we had our City Debate Tournament..the last debate tournament of the season and the last debate for my high school career.

I prayed hard and I tried to keep my faith but on Saturday I was losing my faith in getting into the quarters since I havent made it throughout the whole season.

As we were waiting for the results, I was losing a bit of faith until the results came out. I looked at the paper just to see my name (and partner) on the quarterfinals sheet. I was SHOCK.

God never cease to amaze me. He never fails.

I felt guilty that I have even doubted Him. But I thank Him for proving Himself to me.

He can NEVER fail me.

It was a bit disappointing when me and my partner thought we made it to semi but it turned out that they messed up the ballots. It was a heart breaking moment. But I still give thanks to God to even making it to the quarters.

I thought to myself, "Wow what if I had just a lil bit more faith?"

I wouldnt know now, I wish I could change my attitude but I'm just going to have to learn NOW and find new opportunities to test my faith in God.

No matter what He is still great and MIGHTY! No other God I know.

Yesterday at church a sister testified saying how much she loves God in every bone in her body. So powerful. It bought chills to my soul.

Lately there been some disappointments, somethings I can't understand, and frustration.

God help me to be more temperate, to be more patient, and to have more faith in you.

Transform me, mold me God in the image of your purpose. God, sometimes when we look down on ourselves or even the people in the world put us down. God you're the one who comes and pick me up. God when I don't see anything good in myself. You always seem to see some value in me. I thank you God. Teach me today Lord despite of everything that I learn to be patient and wait as long as it take for you to come through and for you to make me whole. Because it's about your will not mine. Through the storms and the sunshines God teach me to love everything unconditionally just like you did. I'm not perfect but the God I serve is. How bless am I!

Amen

- Courage Man

So Far So Good

Ever since we came back from Feb break, I have been really busy. I havent found time to go on this blog.

But I'm pushing myself to write especially so far this week been awesome! Must take note on that!

Since yesterday I have been constantly bumping into old friends. I don't think I have ever heard my name screamed from the other side of the street as many times as these last 2 days. Lol.

It is pretty amazing you must ask me. It's good to bump sometimes with people you havent seen for so long just because there is just something "different" when you see each other. Theres so much excitement and to me there seems to be MORE to talk about (this magic does not work through text!).

I was happy to see all the old faces! These moments are special because they're so rare. (Especially when it keeps happening!)

Some good news at the Office:

1. FINALLY made a 3 DIGIT PAYCHECK! What! What! There is an AWESOME (i think the word of the day today is awesome..hmmers) feeling especially when you earned yourself.

I been trying to look for a second job. Though I love my job at the Law Firm, a second job might be useful since I don't work long at the office.

2. I made my FIRST official friend yesterday. I know I have been working there since August and it sounds sad that maybe NOW i finally made a friend. (Shoot me for being a social outcast!) I do talk to all my co-workers and we may joke sometimes. But I only see those as a small talk, a kind friendly gesture to fill in the awkwardness and boredom. And being the only high school student in the office, I'm not really close with everyone.

What I notice about working in the office is, everyone kind of do their own thing. No one really offer to help unless you ask. I sat next to this new girl in one of the intern room. I had to constantly get for some markers/pens from the other end of the table on her side but she noticed and put the cup of pens in between me and her.

I was abash at this small act of kindness. No one in the office would have really done that for me. Unless the copier is jam and we all need it...but her action really stuck to me for the longest minute and bought a smile inside me.

She kept looking my way like she was reluctant to say what she wanted to say. But in the end, she made a comment on how the beautiful the view was. I looked out too, being on the 33th floor the view was sure beautiful. We both took a second to glaze at the city then went back to our work.

But I guess that was just a unspoken ice breaker. Next thing you know I was offering her my skittles and from there we just kept talking throughout the day.

We had some laughters and weird observations about women body builders.

She was shock that I was only a high school student and though she goes to the same Law School as most intern does at my Law Firm. Unlike them she was only in her first year while most of them are in their 3rd.

Maybe that was the weird connection between us. We were both kind of an outsider but of course we're VERY COOL!

She left before me since there was no more work for her. Leaving me alone to think by myself next to the window with the AWESOME view of the city. I felt kind of giddy inside. Call me lame if you want, but it just felt like kindergarten again where you met your first friend on the playground and you just KNOW you guys are going to be the BEST of friends forever. That is how it felt.

But who knows, might be fantasizing...and if I ever shared this story with her she might think I'm a creep. Hahas!

Overall this week has been going really well despite how busy I'am.

I'm grateful for the new and old faces.

Thank God for giving me new opportunities and AWESOME friends! May He continue to pour me more love so I may shared it with others. More opportunities so I may do good work in Him. And let HIM continue to work in me.

- Courage Man

P.S To my lil PIA I'm so glad you got into the 5 week Berklee Program. God is SOO GOOD. Thank Him tremendously for letting me witness such miraculous blessings in your life! Pray that He continue to prosper you and to do GREAT works that He has call you to do! Love you!

Word of the Day:

"From henceforth let no man trouble me: for I bear in my body the marks of the Lord Jesus."

Ephesians 6:17

Hmmers!

I want to learn to appreciate the simple things in life and not always be aiming for something so high. Because what I already have worth so much more.

Love and Appreciate

When you dont know....

When you don't know what to do, get on your face and pray!

Breaking Habits

Today has been a productive day. Despite of running on only 2 hours of sleep I manage to stay up throughout the whole day up till debate practice.

Lessons learned, never sleep for 4 hours before your bedtime. I tried falling asleep at 2am but my mind was wide awake till 4 am and had to wake up at 6 am for school. It was torture.

I was reading yesterday that anything more than half an hour- an hour is not call a nap but your just sleeping, its actually not as effective as nap because your in a deep stage of sleep rather a nap helps you refresh your mind. Turns out all you really need is a 20 min. nap.

So as tired as I was today, I set my alarm clock for 30 mins (somehow no matter how tired I was it still took me a while to fall asleep.) And it actually really true! I felt so much better taking a 20 min. nap. It said that if you was to sleep more than an hour you might wake up even more tired.

So for now on if I ever come home for a nap I might stick to the 20 mins-30 mins rule.

I'm also trying to fix my sleeping habits. I never notice how much I'm damaging my body with 4 hours of sleep each day. (Well I was aware of it but never really cared for it.)

An average person needs at least 7-8 hours of sleep. APPARENTLY also if you sleep for more than 9 hours it can actually do more harms to your body than good.

Its amazing how much you can do when you google something. I really learned something new. I hope I can stick to my plan this week in trying to get 7-8 hours of sleep.

GO GO GO!

- Courage Man

P.S Apparently my debate partner/friend is color blinded. I did not believe him but I guess I was wrong. I just found it hilarious when he told me he can't see BLUE sometime but it is his favorite color! Hahahahas

Then later he told me how he love to eat his lip balm. LOL? I love him though he can be such a abusive lil boy!

The bookmark me and my dede picked out at Borders. Sadly could not find any books I liked. Knew we shouldve went earlier. Who doesnt like sales esp when its closing down!

Our next adventure is to find a World Map poster, just because we both did not know where Libya was. Shameful, yes.

Also...Minute Maid is own by The Coca Cola Company!

I'm a lil more doubtful about its 100% juice now.

Mighty God, hear Me!

One of the worst enemies you can have is your mind.

Your mind can deceive you, it can have thoughts on its on and sometimes you allow it to take over you without you knowing. No matter how much you do wrestle with it.

Friday was a weird day because of somethings that I notice. And looking at it I feel helpless.

During these moments all you want to do is breakdown and cry.

But my tears are dried out now, my heart and my mind is tired of this same cycle. During these moments it is hard to reach out to God for help, when you feel like He's not there.

Even though you KNOW all the lessons you were taught in bible study and sunday school.

At that moment it's seem so difficult to apply your faith. But I thank God because He does CARE

because He is THERE

As I was just watching the news a min ago. On how a old lady who was home by herself called the police because a burglar was breaking into her house. She was going to fight off the burglar with a broom. Good thing the police came as soon as possible and arrested the man.

But I was thinking about, "Wow how scary can that be."

And it hit me.

The similar incident I almost had over a year ago. How God protected me...how He took out the violence neighbor out my house and putted in new ones. And then it just all start coming back on how God slowly changed my life, every blessings He has done. All the things that I used to get upset about, He fixed it.

And to think if He have gotten me out of those things. How can't he get me out of this one?

Its just a thought. Sometimes even though you think you're doing the right thing.

It sometimes still not enough, sometime we still don't give Him enough credit.

And there will be tests God will let you fail in order to see the real you. To see where you stand. But I thank God because his mercy is everlasting and grace comes in abundance.

What a Mighty God I served.

Reminder/Encouragement For Courage Man: No matter what don't give up because God is not done with you. Be still.

Believe God: All Things Are Possible!

- Courage Man

Relaxing Saturday

With my plans cancel today. I can finally spend it at home, with my Crimson Summer Academy T-shirt and shorts, just being a slob.

This week has been fill with lots of DISCOUNTS and LAUGHTERS!

I was really proud of myself in buying a jacket for $8 at Goodwill, it is so beautiful. That was my highlight on Monday.

Tuesday was just a peaceful day. Work then got to spend sometime with my beloved AMANDA before bible study. All ended well to a great day :)

Wednesday afterwork I got to hang with my SPANISH family! And was I in SEARS heaven. So much things on sale but again I was trying to keep up with my budgets but still found these beautiful boots for $12 ...(unfortunately the con of these boots was somehow it lacks grip, I tripped 7-8 times wearing them on Thursday!)

Thursday was very special not because I was dying in the office for 4 hours. But my day was brighting up watching my Bffl skate. I must admit I must have been the worse bffl ever just watching him struggle the whole time on the ice skating rink. Recording him and laughing at his BELLYFLOP! But we had a great laugh and great time. Then later met up for SUSHI with Sophie and Yanyi! I got to make a new friend, Alpha! I was jealous of how awesome he was, getting into Dartmouth College!

We ate at this lil vending sushi store in chinatown. Very small square table with 6 people. If I was not so sick I wouldve took a pic. But my mind was too congested to think -o-! We had a great great great time! So much laughters and so much jokes made about me! (hehe)

And to think me and my bffl was going to give up on the sushi plan to see Mary Poppins! As we were walking to chinatown these two ladies gave us free tickets to see Mary Poppin LIVE. We were so tempted (FREE!) But we didnt fall into TEMPTATION and stuck to the plan and I'm so glad we didnt! No free tickets can ever be better than FRIENDSHIP!

And the sushi was so CHEAP and GOOD! (Another DISCOUNT!)

It was such a great night. I miss these girls and hope that we have an opportunity to do it again all 6 of us!

Friday, I rather not speak of. Too lazy to go into detail. But it was a..weird night.

And here TODAY is Saturday woke up at 2. Darn me for watching Super Sized Me at 5 in the morning. But couldnt help it! It was FREE on Hulu. Oh how I love HULU x3.

- Courage Man

Close your eyes and WATCH!

I will write later on what a beautiful week this has been. Though there was some lows but the HIGHS are the most important part.

I was reading Girls Talk again. And there was another post that was a great reminder on how I was feeling moments ago:

Because He cares for You

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7

"Not only will He never leave you--that's the negative side of the promise--but He cares for you. He is not just there with you. He cares for you. His care is constant--not occasional or sporadic. His care is total--even the very hairs of your head are numbered. His care is sovereign--nothing can touch you that He does not allow. His care is infinitely wise and good so that again in the words of John Newton, 'If it were possible for me to alter any part of his plan, I could only spoil it.'"

--Jerry Bridges, Trusting God, p.199.

Lord, I thank you because despite of who I'am and all of my mistakes. You still cared and through every tear God you was there, you never left my side. Your mercy endureth forever and I'm so glad! Have your way in me. I love you.

- Courage Man

$$!

HMMERS!

This Feb break is full of plans and I'am very happy about it! After all this studying and working on my college process. It is time to have fun and spend it with friends that you love!

• Shopping with my fav spanish Mom!
• Sushi with Yanyi and Sophie!
• Driving around with my WillWill
• Going to Hong Kong with Raya

I'm so DELIGHTED to have plans with all these people but the problem is COURAGE MAN is broke! She is going to have to manage her money wisely. Hopefully everyone would be understanding if her cheap ego comes out pretty strongly.

Let the FUN and SAVING begin!

- Courage Man

THANK GOD! REJOICE!

As I'am reading my post from yesterday. I can't stop thinking about how wonderful God truly is.

Everything that I have wrote in my last post was answered through the pulpit.

- Negative thoughts/feelings - how they're real, it is like a tug inside of you

- Confusion

God allows you to feel these things so you may grow closer to Him. That you will seek Him for guidance and answers. It's never EASY but God is ALWAYS close by. so STAY STRONG and DON'T GIVE UP FAITH!

- Courage Man

They pierced Him in His side,
they pierced Him in His side,
they pierced Him in His side for me.