Current Song: "Be Still"

I think what I use to have that I kind of lost from freshman year was, creativity.

Looking at my past works and poetries. I think to myself, what happen?

What happen to that confidence and integrity you use to have?

I have not lost any of that but it has surely been hiding a bit in the closet. I have recently reconnected with sketching and writing poetries. I know I may be an amateur but it something I enjoy doing...

I'm hoping that I could finish it even through my busy schedule.

As I reflect on myself, one thing I wish I could improve on is sticking to my words.

Ever since the Summer of 09 I have said to myself that I wanted to work with elderly people. But even now I still haven't got to it, the application my mentor gave me to this elderly program is lost somewhere in my room.

There are many other things but I feel a little bit embarrass or ashame to even share it here.

Just in general I want to improve or do something but in the end it would backslide.

I never really put much work into things I want.

It just kills me.

That is something I really need to work on...starting now!

Things I Need to Work On

1. Spend more time with the Lord
2. Pray, Pray, Pray (!!!)
3. Find homeless shelter with Dominque
4. Read more books ( I miss reading for pleasure! But I been so worked up and lazy just seem to never have the time or energy)
5. Finish sketch
6. Finish poem
7. Find that application for the Elderly Program
8. Focus more on Debate
9. Get my sister a CHRISTMAS present
10. Stay Confident and strive to be the Best I can!

I can do this!

Word of Encouragement:

" And the Lord shall make thee the head, and not the tail; and thou shalt be above only, and thou shall not be beneath; if that thou hearken unto the commandments of the Lord thy God, which I command thee this day, to observe and to do them:" Deuteronomy 28:13

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." Philippians 4:13

- Courage Man

Acceptance

Term 2 has finally come to an end.

Now I can go back in posting on my blog. Ever since I committed myself for 1 week. It has really grown on me. Especially when I was so overwhelmed with work last week, reading my old posts really reminded myself to stay encourage. And I had one reader who really touched my heart with their comment about this blog. I was going to post YESTERDAY but instead I wasted my time just eating, breathing, and watching t.v. Was not a really productive Saturday and I really regretted on how I spend it when I woke up this morning. I could've done a lot of stuff, reading my bible a little bit more since the lack of time I had this whole week or worked on my scholarship which is due real soon, just something productive anything than laying in bed allllll day!

But I guess at the same time I shouldn't be so hard on myself, it has been a really stressful week I guess it was just one of those days I just don't want to do anything but chill. Hopefully that one Saturday was good enough.

What is going through my mind right now that I don't really know how to express is, Acceptance. (Not because I'm still waiting for Acceptance letters from colleges) Hopefully as I'm typing it would come to me. But I feel like no matter where you're there is a need/want to feel accepted, rather it is on your job, school, or even church. It doesn't matter if you have that "I don't need anyone" attitude, deep inside everyone wants approval and most of the time people who has that attitude is because they never felt accepted or they just want to feel better about themselves because if they already have that attitude it feels more like they chose that route.

I think that I myself somewhere in my mind have that "I don't need anyone" attitude sometimes. When I just feel rejected from the crowd, rather its from my friends that I'm close or distant to. I'm not trying to flatter myself but many of my friends would describe me as, outgoing ( thank you guys btw ) but in a way I could be really shy. I feel like sometimes I do stick out from the crowd and without knowing sometimes I do seek for acceptance and thats when I will get angry with myself because I feel like I look stupid and maybe it was just not meant to be.

But I learn that this is only what I think of myself, especially today in Sunday School and during service we were talking about how the real battle is fought in your mind.

...though I do have this feeling it doesnt mean is how I always feel. Not at all. When I look back at my life and the 2 years I have committed myself walking with Christ, I have been really blessed. I have great friends and mentors that I could always run to for guidance. People who would pray for me and people who will tell me well done even though I don't feel like I did anything right. But all that doesn't matter, the greatest joy of all is having God in my life. This is still a growing process, my mind is still developing. God knows my every thought and He sees everything and I know He is working in me. I might get back on this topic. But for now I'll be ok even if was REALLY accepted, God will always put people in your life and sometimes He wants you to be alone so you can be closer to Him.

But enough SAID...time to LIVE it!

Scripture Today from Morning Service: "We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed, we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;" 2 Corinthians 4:8-9

^ So HE can be MANIFEST in us!

- Courage Man

Addison Road - What Do I Know of Holy

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

No Matter What, Shout: "Hallelujah!"

I have not been feeling my best lately. I do not know how many tissues I have used this weekend. I'm always getting sick at the most important times.

I am only on the 3rd page of my 10 page paper. Also I have one more week before the term ends which means every teacher is going to cram as much assignments and work as they can this last 5 days.

But doesn't matter how stressful it is! I know I'm going to make it.

Fight Courageman! Fight!

Happy Birthday to my wonderful Dad! I know I do not give him enough credit for all he has done. But he is amazing and he is my Superman. I love you.

This video really stuck to me. No matter what, shout Hallelujah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVVn1Yh0sEY

- Courage Man

Love: Sisters

I was not going to post tonight, but I guess after a week it kind of grew on me. Just a TAD bit. Especially when I have a 10-page paper to do.

I just want to dedicate this post to my sister.

You know after writing so much dreadful and boring essays and papers. I forgot how powerful writing is. And how much I do love writing. Writing is a place where you can vent and express your thoughts and feelings without any boundaries, where you can put everything on paper and well..being in the 21st century, I guess blogging in some ways count. Writing is where you can't be judge. Everyone is a critic, but they do not matter.

GRAMMERS kind of count, especially for me since I'm HORRIBLE at it. But still working still working.

But I thank writing for being there when we dont know any other way to communicate to the world.

What can I say about this girl on the right?

Besides being utterly corny and stubborn. She is the best sister ever, sometimes it feel likes the roles has flipped where she the older sister! Hahas.

Though she is always putting herself down, I wish she could see how much she is worth. And how much I love her and appreciate it even at times when I don't show it, believe me it's there. She is sweet and genuinely kind, she puts everyone before herself. She is always helping out around the house, making me food, laundry, washing dishes, something that I'm not good at. She's not like the other high school girls I see or freshmen that is looking for any attention. But all she wants is to enjoy life with the people she loves. Quality over quantity. She is very shy but when you get to know her, she is hilarious ( but of course I would never admit that in front of her, that's gonna ruin my big sister rep! hahas.) When you get to know her she is WILD and HYPER. I love it when she comes in my room just to chill and talk about the randomness in life. Theres never a moment where I'm bored with her. Over the years we might have our differences but our similarities and love is what keeps us together. I thank her because I know that she has been the bigger person most of the time. She might be stubborn, but so am I. And I thank her for breaking her pride just for me, just so I could have my way.

I love you sis! Your beautiful inside and out. As you continue to grow, I hope your personality will burst out for the world to see. Continue to make people laugh day by day. Thank you for always considering me before yourself. All I want to see is you to be happy and confident. And I know your still young but I believe your going to grow up strong in your own way. Though we were born from the same parents it doesn't mean our paths in life are going to be the same. Do not be discourage because you will come out great, and again, in your own way and I will too in mine! I love you mui mui! x3

- Courage Man

Current Song: "No Weapon"

The Word Today Is: "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 9

Thank God for this reminder today. I received my daily bread.

- Courage Man

Wisdom and Understanding

Have you ever find yourself saying, " I know I know _____" or "I know but _____"

you may insert in the blank: I don't get it, I don't understand, what if, this, still this, that, she, he......

or the popular, " I know but I still can't help feeling this way."

right when there is something after the "I know" it really means that you don't know. You might have a basic knowledge of the problem but you don't have the real grasp or understanding of it.

And that is how I feel right now, a few minutes ago I was sitting on my bed and contemplating about something and it really bothered me.

I kept trying to find the root and tried to admit that maybe it's me. But I can't come to a closure because I don't really know the answer.

I tried to apply it back to biblical scriptures but I can't apply it when I don't really understand.

I can read all night about what Jesus has said, that He told me that my heart should not be trouble because He is there that he prepares a table before me. I should find relieve because I have that knowledge.

But there is a difference between KNOWING and really UNDERSTANDING, feeling, and BELIEVING His Words. Anyone can read the bible and still won't have the anointing or the will to know and live for Jesus.

I'm so glad that beside His word, there is the power of prayers. There is a way to communicate with Him, I'm so thankful because that's what I need and I'm grateful for this weapon. I could read all night but right now I just need to talk to the Lord.

I was on biblegateway.com, trying to look up scriptures that may talk about understanding. And every scripture where there was understanding, there was wisdom.

Thank God for giving me a focus for my prayers tonight. Wisdom and Understanding.

"And he hath filled him with the spirit of God, in wisdom, in understanding, and in knowledge, and in all manner of workmanship;" Exodus 35:31

"Behold, I have done according to thy words: lo, I have given thee a wise and an understanding heart; so that there was none like thee before thee, neither after thee shall any arise like unto thee." 1 King 3:12

"Only the LORD give thee wisdom and understanding, and give thee charge concerning Israel, that thou mayest keep the law of the LORD thy God." 1 Chronicles 22:12

- Courage Man

"If that is God's will, SO BE IT!"

This past hours I have been on the phone with my God-Niece. She is so adorable and I just love her so much!

Little kids really knows how to put a smile on your face. Especially when they tell you how much they love you and wants you to come over. Hahas.

I just pray that she grows up to be as beautiful and strong as her Auntie ( Tykhia!) one day.........

I been trying to help out more at home but the more I tried, the more I notice something.

All these years my parents complaint about me not doing any chores or how I'm so ungrateful at times. I notice the reason why.

It's because they don't let me do anything but it's not their fault.

We were having a Chinese dinner this Sunday after service. I was supposedly making, "lo mein," but when I woke up this morning, my mom was already making it for me.

She didnt wake me up because she wanted me to sleep a little bit more.

Or like the times when I told her I will wash the dishes and she goes ahead and do them anyways, saying I'm slow.

Or when I told her I will carry the groceries, she said I'm clumsy and weak and that she can handle it.

All these are evidences of love, and I'm sadden that it took me this long to notice and it's saddens me that I can't do anything to show my gratitude. My parents does everything for me because they love me and wants the best for me. But at the same time it has given them a mindset that I can't take care of myself or I'm not capable of doing household jobs or anything that includes me lifting a finger.

All morning I was trying to help her make the lo-mein but all she did was push me to the side and I ended up standing there, watching her.

As much as I appreciated it, I was upset because right there I seen that I still have a lot of growing up to do. It makes me want to want to learn to have more self discipline.

So from there, time to STEP UP my game.

But one step at a time!

- Courage Man

Current Song: "The Heart of Worship"

Words of the day:

sojourn: To dwell for a time; to dwell or live in a place as a temporary

n. a temporary stay

abased: v. to reduce or lower, as in rank, office, reputation, or estimation; humble; to degrade

- Courage Man

Update at 1:22 am

Dominos said my hair looked nice earlier when he came by with the car. First compliment ever from him!

"When you lose money, you can earn it again. But when you lose your life, it's over." - Lessons learned from Courage Man's parents

The Potluck was a success today! And end of story from there.

The Potluck has really sucked most of my energy and as much as I should sleep right now I feel like doing some homework....

My Post for today.

Update 2 seconds later.

Before I leave to my labor work, I want to say, you do learn something new everyday.

I'm glad my life is so differrent from some of my friends, thanks to them I have a chance to grow as a person and the way I think about life. But at the sametime I feel bad because I can never understand life in their stand point.

There's not much I can really do about that.

But because of our differences, I admire them more and more in their strength even if they don't know how strong they're and what they have overcome that I in a million years, would never know.

I thought that what I been through, made me a bit stronger today. But from what I learn from my friends, they blew my mind! They leave me speechless. Because I can never imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes.

Their standpoint make mine seem like nothing. But I know it is something but it is my story. But I just adore my friends and I give them so much respect.

I love them because they have a big influence on my life and I hope that we can continue to encourage each other.

Especially loving one another.

- Courage Man

Sweet Darling!

Disciplining yourself is not an easy job. But the outcome gives you a sense of accomplishment and showing yourself that it is possible!

Today has been another productive day! (YAY!)

( Making brownies and sphagettis with my mom and my sis is one of the greatest memories we could have as mother and daughters! Esp. in the kitchen ( hahas women) )

Thank you to the snow storm we had two days off from school which gave me time to catch up on my sleep :). I needed it and surprisingly I was working faster than usual at work. Hahas, this prove what difference sleep makes.

Tomorrow is our school Potluck, I'am really excited about it especially me and our school Advisory Student Council has been stressing over it for so long. After work today me and my friends went everywhere in Copley trying to get all the materials we need for tomorrow. I'm glad also we got everything just in time. And our biggest worry about no one bringing food tomorrow seems to be soothed down by the respond we got from the student body.

...so KUDOS to them and us.

....As I was walking home today...I thought about someone. Someone I'm not really that close to...but somehow I always had the yearning to do so. Maybe because I had alway admire their strength. I thought about what they must have gone through and what they're going through right now. As much as I admire them...and want their strength and faith. I can never have the same experience they had. It was a lil peek of realization. I always knew that but it is like NOW i really do understand. And because I understand this...I don't know how to explain it or how it leads to this conclusion. But I just want to learn to love more. Rather than adoring or watching from the side on what people have, I want to go grasp it myself.

You may ask how does love comes in? :

My goal is to show that someone how much I love them and respect their strength. SO that they can continue to grow...and so also I can learn and grow from there too.

I want to learn to love because so many people lack this infillment ( not even a word!) I just want to to be an encouragement to others, because one word you say could make such a big different on someone day.

How does that make me stronger? Because loving is not easy, especially when there are some people you dont want to love...and not giving up is the way to go!

- Courage Man

"And walk in love , as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us an offering and a sacrifice to God for a sweetsmelling savour." Ephesians 5:7

P.S

Random! Helped my mom do laundry today. Another proud point to myself. I'm really trying learn and help out. It's actually not so bad after all.

Reminder

I want God to be glorify. Easy as that.

Salvation

Maybe I deserve it.

I woke up this morning with pain in every inch of my body. My body was so sore it was difficult to put on my jacket on and let's not forget the 4 flights of stairs I had to overcome to get to my first period class. lol

Winter Vacation has really ruined my sleeping schedule, no matter how much I sleep I seem to be so tired throughout the day. It's hard not to get hook onto Red Bull when you can't seem to find any source of energy to consume from.

I have so much to write...and talk about that...I dont even know where to start.

.....

And I think that is one of the problems I have in my life. I don't really have a target.

I always try to tackle everything at once that the result I get is nothing...because I have been so aimless.

And that's how I been feeling about my prayers. I pray but I'm not really asking God for anything. That has been bought to my attention today in Bible Study when Pastor was talking about the Altar. The Alter is a symbol where we tarry and let God talk to us about our situations. But if we don't put our face our problems on the Alter, God can't speak anything to us if we don't address it. Not saying that I do not have any problems that my life is perfect.

But I have never really directly spoke to God about me, on what I really need Him to do for me or what He really wants me to work on.

Like Pastor said, God never leaves you confuse. And if you don't know what God wants you to do it's not because He's not not clear but because you're not listening.

And from there I notice I have jumped into my own conclusions, my own fairy tale ending on what God is going to do. But I don't know that! Like the analogy in Bible Study tonight, God is like the power source in Him there is power and if we plug/commit ourselves to Him sometimes He want us to be a blow dryer, an microphone, or a microwave. But you can't be all that at the same time and you don't know what God wants you to be.

Tonight I will have a focus prayer, thank God for speaking to me tonight in Bible Study. Thank Him also for his MERCY! Every time when He reveal a mistake that you have done, you just feel so foolish and grateful that though He saw it, He still kept you.

Pray God that you open my ears so I can listen. And the heart and mind to be obedient to the direction you give me in my spirit. Denied my thoughts and lean not on my own understanding but acknowledge your name in everything I do. For Lord I'm not you, I can never think like you. I just pray that you will have your way on me and let your purpose you have for my life be reveal unto me.

In Jesus name, Amen.

- Courage Man

P.S While reading one of my best friend Tumblr. She dedicated a post to me! It was very touching and at the sametime, a refreshment to myself. (If that makes sense.)

I forgot how even though you may not see any good in yourself. There are other people that is watching your life and sees something different.

Patient & Respect. Thank You Winnie!

SUCCESS !

If you cannot tell by this pic, I'am exhausted. I have just came home from volunteering at school, working at the front desk and babysitting little kids. On top of school, ASC, Prom, debate, and everything in between! But through it all today has been a really productive day!

After so many months I finally went to the Y today. I'am so out of shape ( well I never really was in shape to begin with.) But I was pretty proud!

• I ran 1 mile in 10 mins ( I know it's not the best but it's pretty good for someone who has not not ran for months, ok!)
• Then I did 150 crutches on this abs machine!! ( YAY!) Yes you heard it first from COURAGEMAN that she is trying to get some abs, GET RIP! No but I'm going to try to tone down the tummy. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other big events this season has really puffed me up.
• Also I did 100 on this Chest machine ( I have no idea what it is call.)

So yeah, I could feel the MUSCLES building in me. RAWR! No... but I'am going to try to commit myself at the gym. This must be the best workout I have ever had without anyone forcing me to do it........................

In other news, school has been all right. January is a really busy month but I'm trying to tackle it the best I can each day. There are days where I don't give my 100% but I'm still working on my habits and learning to discipline my flesh.

I could not help but notice that most of my boots are falling apart. One of my friends told me today that I needed new boots.

I was pretty hurt because...I know I do...but I just don't have the money lately -shrugs- thats the truth.

I tried explained to her how I can't afford any. She gave me a odd look and asked why, "can't you just ask your mom?"

The question had me furious inside...maybe because one, I know I need new boots and second...how were just so use to sticking out our hand to our parents demanding what we want.

I'm upset but it did take me a while to finally notice how I spend my money. I had never really worry about this part of my life maybe because my parents has always gave me what I want. But as I have just recently turned 18 and going off to college soon...I finally realized...how money really don't grow on trees. And like Pastor said, " It is a seed."

I have never truly acknowledge my parents hard work and how hard they saved up for me and my sister not until recently...when my world seem to turned upside down and finally saw my dad Bank account for the first time.

I'm trying to learn to be more independent and as much as I do need some new pair of shoes.

I live.

I do not want to ask my parents and now that I'm 18 I think I should really learned to take care of myself more. And also I have a job! ( Praise God!)

Saving up more will be a discipline to me and of course to tithe!

That is why I was furious because it angers me to have people think that their parents are the solution to their every want. Never to really have worked for it. I may seem like a hypocrite in making this statement but I'm still learning and letting God work in me.

I'm waiting for my transformation!

Today Word is: "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Hebrew 11:1

God is so amazing! At my time of needs He alway know when to come in...as I came home and some thoughts came to my mind...and reading the Word this scripture came along and blew my mind! Faith is all I need as I continue to wait on Him, there must be a object to your faith! And it's not by what you see for our eyes cannot discern what God sees and what He has ordain for us.

"Evidence of things not seen." Sounds like a oxymoron!

- Courage Man

Believe God: All Things Are Possible!

Goals for this week.

I have set 3 goals this week that I'm going to commit myself to.

1. Pray every morning before I go to school. ( No matter how tired I'am)

2. Blog every day ( even if I have nothing to say or too lazy to)

3. Read the Word. ( I need my daily bread! God comes first above all things!)

Let the week begin!