Letter 6

Dear God, 
I just want to thank you for this Communion Sunday. Thank you for your blood that cleansed me and your message that you preached through the pulpit. I worship you because God you have been so good to me. Through the good and the bad you were always there.
Service was great as always but after service something happened: I felt that pang inside again...I felt that heartache when I saw a certain person. I couldnt help to feel the way that I felt. And I admit God I wanted to cry so badly. I thought that I was ok now. I thought that my heart was finally mending and I was letting go. But I realized that the aches are still there and I am far from healed. I was so tempted Jesus to run and hide somewhere and cry but I remember your message today...that it is hard to fail if you're a worshipper. I remember in sunday school when you used the sunday school teacher to teach me about suffering and surrendering. What stood out to me was the way he told us, "He loves you...I mean...He LOVES you." I remember his tone when he spoke about your love. I remember how in the morning prayer I pour myself out to you...and it was the first time I really knew how that woman with the issue of blood felt. When she said if she just get a touch from you...she knew she would be whole...and Jesus I finally FINALLY understood what she meant and how she felt. Because I knew if you just touch me...if you pour your spirit into me in that moment...I was going to be whole again. Whole doesn't mean that I have the answer to everything but its the touch from you that REASSURES me that God you're in control and you're able in my life.
So when I stood in that church parking lot...I refused to let that emotion and pain take over. I holdback my tears and I attempt to smile...cause God on this Communion Sunday you reminded and blessed me too much for me to breakdown. There are going to be times where I have to break and allow you to fix me. But Jesus you said today in church to not go in my old ways and to not wear my old filthy garment. So God I am learning to cope with my heartache in a different way today. I'm not looking for someone to lean on. I am not going to breakdown and cry and feel sorry for myself. I will fight the anger, pain, and frustration until you deliver me from it fully. I allow this certain person to take advantage of my compassion and my trust. Knowing God that you will deal with them yourself and you will bless me. (Was that sentence a fragment?) I know God that through my suffering you're doing a new thing in me though I may not fully know what you're doing I still trust you. I will go through this valley with you and I will come out of it victoriously.
Like the sunday school teaching today...help me to surrender myself to you Jesus. You said that surrendering is the hardest and it will take a lifetime to learn. Teach me and help me Lord to do so. To surrender this situation to you and allow you to heal my heart and to let you have your way. Help me to deal with this situation in a new way that will lead me into my deliverance.
Jesus I am happy today despite the heartache and my circumstances. I still have joy and I still have hope.
I am still able to love this person and everyone you have assigned to my life.
I will make it because I am a worshipper and you said that I can't fail. Taking communion today...I know that there are new opportunities ahead and I have taken off my dirty garment.
I have already begun a new path starting in the parking lot.
All I can do is by ending this letter telling you how much I love you Jesus and I know your purpose/plans are greater than what I am going through today.

Love your daughter, Mandy.